“Let go of the past. I’ve interviewed A LOT of celebrities, and they are all hung up. You have to let go and move on. It’s amazing who hasn’t.”
pick-up artist Neil Strauss
Well… I’ve asked around. It looks like Blondie isn’t at Silks any more. Nobody knows her. She’s vanished into my past, like so many other people, that place that’s a part of me that keeps holding me back and suffocating me. But, when one person walks out, another walks in. I mentioned that Blondie reminded me of the woman that changed me, fucked me, ducked me then chucked me. Tracy.
I might not have found Blondie, but Tracy I found in a flash. I could have done it years ago, but it didn’t cross my mind.
I was with her for only a month, but for that whole period I was living a hightened state of reality- I just KNEW I was going to lose my virginity to her the moment I looked at her. And I was right.
I remember so much from that time- huge chunks of conversations, what she was wearing, what I was wearing, what we did, where we went- it’s all engrained in me and will be for a long time, until dementia robs me of these memories. One thing I remember- she said she wasn’t on Facebook. Another- she used to go out with a particular DJ in Manchester. (Naming him will expose me.)
I know a few DJs and club promoters in Manchester. I’ve seen Particular DJ appear in Facebook’s friend suggestions in the past, and remembered Tracy mentioning him. But I thought nothing more of it. Then one day last week, I decided to add him.
I didn’t even send him a message, a word of thanks, or any acknowledgement. I just went straight into his friends. There were about 4 Tracy/Traceys. I spotted her and sent a request. Here comes the past, I thought, dredged up again so the cycle can repeat. Why would I bother doing this? Why not move on?
It took a few days for her to accept. I asked her if she remembered me. “How could I forget,” she replied. Indeed, Trace. She’s listed as in a relationship. According to Facebook, we were both at the same club night a few bank holidays ago.
She’s still painfully beautiful yet still so cold. Aged a little, though. I sent her another message, but she didn’t respond.
Question: What’s the big deal? Why can I not move on from shit that happened in 2008?! It’s nearly 4 years since I lost my virginity to her, and in that time I’ve nailed a meagre 2 further girls. Why can I not get the fuck over myself and move on? Possibly because I live in a town full of scrotes that I don’t want to be associated with, and getting out to Manchester- where I first met Tracy and where the women are generally of a better class- is a ballache. It’s expensive, and nobody has any money, so nobody will come with me.
But… optimism is vital. At the time I met Tracy, I was still trying to get over another girl I’d been dumped by. Tracy sure blew the first girl out of the water, and out of my mind. I’d found something so much better, and that was something I couldn’t have conceived of until I met her. Now, all I need is for someone to stop me thinking about Tracy. All I have to do is go out and find it in Manchester.
I’m optimistic about this plentyoffish.co.uk project I’ve started. If nobody else will help me, I’ll find these women myself. I’m going through a period of change, a time when I’m un-brainwashing myself of all the stupid, negative and plain WRONG things I used to think about myself. Even since Tracy I’ve pulled some STUNNING girls, but I still just fucked it up with them all. Now, I just have to do it right. My past can fuck itself.