Pitiful Evening in Baby Blue


Manchester was dogshit on Friday night. The whole city was empty. The only bar we found with anyone in at all was NoHo, which was admittedly rammed. The music was weird, as were the clientèle.




We strayed from one end of the city to the other and back again, looking for somewhere with a bit of life. We ended up in Baby Blue lap dancing bar on Deansgate.


It was dead here too, and the girls were losing their thread with the customers. One black girl, questionably calling herself “Coco”, projected her voice to the whole bar. “Come on guys. Don’t be tight bastards. Come and have a dance.”


My mate K took the bait and went for his first- apparently very awkward- lap dance with Coco. Meanwhile, I spotted the only decent-looking girl in the club, who was spending all her time sat with a group of dodgy-looking chavs who obviously weren’t taking the bait. She was trying it on for about half an hour, getting nowhere, ’til I decided to risk it and go and sit with them all. I talked to the lads about their night for a bit, expecting the girl to pitch me. But she didn’t!


I had to do all the work with this lap dancer, who- on closer inspection- wasn’t that fit. In fact, sitting next to her, I realised she was totally wasted, slurring her words and speaking, half-arsed, in an accent I couldn’t quite place. I had to ask her for a dance, which she obviously didn’t want to do. I paid over the odds for a short dance in a booth, during which she sipped her wine and tried to talk to me for ages about the other girls in the club who she didn’t like. The dance itself lasted about 3 minutes, with her repeatedly stumbling on her heels. Her breath reeked of cigarettes and alcohol. She offered me some cocaine. I declined.


After the dance, K and I decided to get out of there and head home. It was a thoroughly disastrous night.


Avoid Baby Blue. Stick with Silks, which so far seems the best. I’ve not been to Victorias- rumour has it the girls aren’t that great there. Obsessions was pretty decent last time I went. Baby Blue’s sister branch Baby Platinum was dead a couple of bank holidays ago.


Oh, by the way, Kate, the blonde that I need to get over, used to work there according to Baby Blue’s Twitter. They also told me she no longer dances.


Here’s the thought I must get out of my head:

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