I am a porn addict.

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 A few weeks ago I made myself go to my GP. I’d been waiting for an excuse to tell him something. I needed a second reason to go, so I decided to wait ’til something sprung up before going to discuss something slightly more awkward than usual.

 

Appropriately, a bout of insomnia washed over me a month or so ago so I booked in and slouched, bog-eyed, on his patient chair. He gave me a course of Zopiclone, a heavy knock-out remedy. It’s like pressing the “force quit” button on your brain. It puts you under for a good ten hours. Incredible.

 

But I didn’t know that by this point. I asked about a pain I’d had in my ear that, by the time I’d got to my appointment, had subsided. He confirmed there had been an infection, but it had cleared.

 

Which left only one issue to discuss. Deep breath.

 

I think I’m addicted to pornography.”

 

Okay. How long do you think you’ve had the problem?”

 

Well, I got broadband in my room in 2007, so maybe since then, I suppose.”

 

Well, it’s certainly not an unusual problem, Patrick. I get a LOT of guys coming in here saying that. Is it quite strong, the stuff you’re watching?”

 

Yeah. It’s all legal but it’s about as strong as it comes.”

 

Well- with watching this kind of thing, your body gets flooded with endorphins, and the body needs those endorphins at a slightly higher rate each time. But it can be reversed. There’s nothing I can give you for it, you’ve just got to try to stop.”

 

I said I would try. And I have. And I’ve failed hideously, for a number of reasons.

 

  1. I’m a writer, and I spend most of my time at this computer, where the broadband is. I can be busy writing something when, whoops, look what I’ve loaded up.

  2. I live alone. There’s no-one here to distract me or catch me.

  3. I have quite a lot of “me time”.

  4. There are no women in my life. No girlfriends. This is another major life-long problem that- if I don’t act upon effectively- I’ll take to the grave.

 

So. Here’s a plan that I devised myself.

  1. Get the daily wank out of the way in the morning, before getting up. Do this without porn on the mobile (unlimited internet is a fucker for this kind of challenge).

  2. Get out of the house and meet more women. I’ve tried bars and clubs, I’ve tried writing groups, I’ve tried dance groups, I’ve tried dating sites, and yes, I’ve tried “not trying too hard”, before you ask. You patronising twat. But I’ll try a few other things as well, including starting random conversations with every passing person, regardless of whether or not there is any attraction.

  3. Continue to be a self-loving, self-congratulating arrogant twat. This is much more preferable (and effective) than being a self-loathing, self-flagellating piece of shit of a human being, which is a persona I accidentally slip into from time to time. And I am a man who knows only black and white- there are very few shades of grey in my world.

 

I will sort out my life. Just watch.

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