I nearly got my arse handed to me in Newcastle


Went on an away leg to Newcastle with the lads. Checked out a load of bars and clubs, got thoroughly hammered- I was worse than my friends had ever seen me- and then rolled into a strip club. The doorman told us we’d missed local pinup Chelsea Ferguson. I started necking orange juice in a desperate attempt to sober up. I then ended up dropping a hundred and fucking twenty on a 2-girl lap dance, getting them to suck each others tits and kiss each other. It was hot, but a ripoff. And I was too drunk to fully appreciate it. They wanted £200 for a full-on lesbian show. Fuck that. When we got outside a conversation began, where I said something horrendously cocky to Samson, one of our group. It turns out Samson is a doorman and could easily have caved my head in. Fuck knows why I said it as it’s totally out of character for me to start shit. But also, fuck knows what he said that inspired me to say it. I still need to ask other people in our group about that.

The next morning TM claimed it was the most pissed he’d ever seen me, and that I “might wanna apologise” to Samson. I did and it was over with.

Next up we went to a sports bar where the bar girls had their arse cracks hanging out. It’s the type of place where the girls are hired if they can dance, are shorter than average and are hot. Well worth a look but don’t use a camera in there unless you want to be publicly humiliated by the DJ. Learned that the hard way.

More bars. More drinks. A sit-down Indian meal. I gave a business card to a random girl I met in the doorway on the way out. She texted me not long after.

HER: Patrick Bateman can we suck you dry please

ME: Yes.

I asked her to visit the hotel and asked if she had a bucket. She replied that her friend’s vagina can be used as one. She wouldn’t take a “bucket picture” because she’d lose her phone down there. She told me they don’t do anal as they were “rubbish women” and wouldn’t visit the hotel for a fuck. She eventually did send me a picture of her cat “eating nachos off her back.” It didn’t continue much longer after that.

You need to visit Newcastle as the Bars and clubs are awesome and busy no matter what time of day or night. Geordie women are hot. Also, with strange but pleasing regularity, they have large tits. Does anyone know why this is?

2 thoughts on “I nearly got my arse handed to me in Newcastle

  1. Pingback: Mates are hard work. | Patrick Bateman's Blog

  2. Pingback: Well, the cross is off, and- wait, what is this? | Patrick Bateman's Blog

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