Melancholy Sunday

melancholy

After Newcastle I tagged a picture of myself on a club’s Facebook page. I was snapped with a mate and 2 random girls. My mate’s girlfriend saw this pic and went BALLISTIC at him. My mate’s mutual friends- who know us a lot better than we know each other- then went sick at me. I’ve spent the last few days trying to figure out whether I really deserved the amount of abuse I’ve received over it. I still don’t know.

I’m wrestling with the idea that I may have to ditch the entire group. It isn’t the first time this particular set of friends have thrown the fucking book at me. One of the group threatened to batter me the first time we went out to Manchester as he drunkenly thought I said something about his kid. (I didn’t even know he had one, and I’m not a scumbag that slags off people’s children. Jesus Christ.) I’ve spoke to psychotherapist JM and she’s asking why I’m mates with them at all. A psychologist, a social worker and my colleagues have all asked the same thing. Why bother dealing with people that treat you like that? Colleagues in particular could see there was something bothering me in work.

We do have good times, in their defence. I enjoy when we meet up, and they are quite encouraging in terms of helping me with confidence etc. I just can’t see them anywhere near as often as I used to, and the last 2 times I’ve been out with them someone in the group has given me some shit over one thing or another. I left their group for 9 months a few years ago. Considering leaving permanently. There’s another stag do next year- I need to make sure MW isn’t on it and I need to make sure the group understand I won’t tolerate his presence, ever. I need to risk the chance they’ll never invite me out again- more of a risk since the tagging debacle last week.

Possibly as a result of the drama, I’ve found myself using porn more again, after cutting down since the first meeting with JM. I’m making a record of days I do and days I don’t watch it, which in itself is helping, but makes for a damning indictment.

I missed a night out in Manchester, partly because I was sick of having my head pecked by people. I just wanted a quiet weekend. That is NOT like me.
Moving on- Baa Bar girl is back from her epic 2 holidays but she keeps arranging to meet up and then cancelling. I’ve asked her today if she still wants to see me. i.e. does she want to end it? 3 hours later, on a Sunday, I’ve no reply. That may be an answer. You might ask, why not end it yourself? Well, because I don’t have anyone else to fuck. And I don’t want to burn a bridge just yet. She’s the type to phone me and say, “I’m free tonight” out of the blue. Also, me seeing her isn’t stopping me seeing anyone else.

What is stopping me is that the girls on Plenty of Fish are also flaking out on me. I’m quite a fussy, bloke, so when I see a profile of someone reasonably attractive, it’s a rarity. After that I need to have a conversation, which- you’ve probably realised- is hard work. I’m running out of enthusiasm with the site.

JM’s advice:

  • If girls on POF are interested, ask to ring them. Let them hear your voice. It’s the next step between typing online and meeting in person.
  • Learn from the Newcastle debacle. I’ve done what I can.
  • I might have decided against the other night out because I’m still processing what has happened after Newcastle. I’ve tried my best at sorting it out.

So, yeah. I’m melancholy- I’ve had a pretty good weekend but I’m just feeling let down by Baa Bar girl and, more importantly, by myself.

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