For the record, my name isn’t Patrick Bateman. My surname is rare. There are only a few of us in the UK. My dad has traced our family tree, and he’s made a lot of progress, but one thing is clear through all of this.
My dad had me and my sister. My granddad had my dad and daughters. Granddad also had a brother, who I think had one son, who then had daughters. As far as we know, my surname is dying out- certainly in my bloodline. In short, I’m the only male who can keep my name going. I need to have a son for this to happen.
There’s a few problems, though. The most glaring: I don’t want children. I was about 15 when this dawned on me, and I’m in my 30s now and I still don’t. I don’t want to go through what my parents went through with me. I don’t want to help someone with homework, as I struggled with it in school. I don’t want them being bullied like I was. I don’t want them targeted if their classmates find out I’ve got a learning difficulty. I don’t want to have to hold shitloads of information in my head about what people eat and don’t eat, what appointments I need to give people lifts to, when I have to pick people up. I don’t want my offspring advising me on what I should do, something I can see happening.
Another issue is: I’ve been a porn addict since before I lost my virginity. The first girl I fucked was stunning, but I still couldn’t come for her because of what I’d become accustomed to. The situation remains.
The third issue: I have such massive insecurities that starting a relationship is really hard. I hate having to trust people. I can’t and haven’t, and every girl I’ve tried to trust has lied to me anyway. When they find out I don’t want kids, that’s gonna make it harder still, as most women- as far as I can tell- want children.
A fourth: I have ambitions. I need time to make those ambitions realities: this will happen outside of office hours. Kids will only get in the way.
A fifth: I receive a certain sum in benefit from the government due to my condition. I would need more support, both practical and financial, if I was to be responsible for a child. Do I want to be a burden in that way?
Question: Are there women out there who want what I want? Will I ever find a situation that both me and a woman are happy with?