Your Humanitarian Crisis Needs Smut

girls kissing

When I got into my 20s I lost the habit of writing, but I occasionally found my thoughts would spill out of my head unless I put them on the page. The morning of Sunday 9th January 2005 was one of these times.

Weird night last night. Danielle ignoring me then sending her new boyfriend to me for a pen. Bitch. On the other hand, saw loads of girls kissing to raise money for Tsunami. Going on a date when I was auctioned, to not to arsed about Danielle. Apparently girl who bought me is a dirty bitch and she’ll fuck me.

Danielle (not her real name) was a local bike that everyone had had a go on except me. We really liked each other, but we never got anywhere because I was too shy and she was, as you can tell, frequently a bitch.

On 26th December 2004 one of the worst Tsunamis in recorded history occurred off the coast of Sumatra, killing over 220, 000 people.

I was working in a local chav bar at this time, and their humanitarian response was to demand money out of guys in exchange for faux-lesbian action. For £40 in the charity bucket, girls would kiss and grope each other. I was glass collecting so basically had a front row seat.

Another fundraising idea: Auction off dates with the bar staff. The girl who won the bidding for a date with me was apparently another local bike. She never showed up for the date, though. None of the bid winners did.

After the night of the auction it did occur to me that guys will pay for live amateur smut. This is a brilliant way of raising money whenever there is a humanitarian crisis: get the local slags to parade themselves and horny young guys will part with their beer money. I’ve not seen any other bar do this, and I’ve been out when it’s been Band Aid and Children in Need and all that. Why was there no smut on display? This disappoints me greatly. I thought girls were supposed to be getting easier by the day? Hell, even I got laid a few times this year.

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