Joined a social group a while back. Met a load of fit girls. Went out with the group last night as a last-minute thing. The Organiser (male) and The Assistant Organiser (female) were about to get it on, but The Organiser was seeing someone. After all his posturing as a bit of a lad, a bit of a ladies man, it looks like he’s under the thumb after all.
The Assistant Organiser, however, is not. She’s the opposite. Polite and friendly at first, and a total nympho once you get to know her, she was furious that he wasn’t taking the bait. He back-doored it, handing me his club ticket.
I was gonna go home too, but seeing as I had the ticket I thought I might as well check the place out. Pretty quickly Assistant Organiser’s mood started to change.
“Fuck him,” she said. “I just wanna fuck. I’ll fuck anyone right now.”
Leap of faith. “How about me?”
She kissed me, and about half an hour after getting into the club we walked back out again. She lived close by, in an apartment block that kinda looked like the complex Butch Coolidge lived in in Pulp Fiction, overlooking a courtyard.
We got in and she started asking me what I liked, what I wanted her to wear, and telling me what she wanted me to do to her. I tried, and I got her in a cheerleader outfit and we kind-of fucked, but it was too rushed and- until about an hour before- I had no idea she even liked me. She’s gorgeous, but I wasn’t comfortable. She didn’t want affection, she didn’t want warmth- she wanted a meaningless fuck. She made me wear a condom, which I managed to put on, but the moment I got it on I lost my hardon. There’s something about them that is utterly off-putting. It’s mechanical to the point of blandness. I find it so un-sexy that it ruins the experience. We tried with a few condoms.
I totally understand the neccessity, but why is it so off-putting for me and what am I supposed to do about it?
I tried. I told her about spending time in the NHS for anxiety. Perhaps a deal-breaker, I dunno, but if you’re not comfortable in the first place it can’t get much worse, can it? She was considerate and listened, but I didn’t feel the gentility and consideration that turns me on. (No, I didn’t tell her about porn.)
I don’t even know if I can count this as a shag. I said that if we have an early night some time, it’ll be much better. I just can’t do after-club shagging. I don’t have the energy. I never have had. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that before I lost my virginity every girl I’d tried it with was asking for sex after midnight, and after going to / working in a bar. I also think it’s no coincidence that when I eventually did, it was around 11pm after a sit-down drink in a quiet pub.
Condoms don’t feel right for me. Neither does casual sex. I’ve never wanted that anyway- I’ve wanted a relationship for as long as I can remember. But the bars and clubs never serve for that purpose, and what else is there? There are fit girls in my office but I see them for maybe 3 seconds a day. On the plus side, Assistant Organiser is part of a group of people that I’ve got to know a little bit- she’s not a randomer. It may have been too sudden for me, but it wasn’t as sudden as it has been in the past. I hadn’t noticed any interest at all before last night.
So fuck knows what happens next. Perhaps a) chill out about it, b) keep cutting down on porn, c) get out more and meet real women, d) ask to see Assistant Organiser again.