Still too shy

In Indonesia, slow lorises are called malu malu or "shy one" because they freeze and cover their face when spotted.

In Indonesia, slow lorises are called malu malu or “shy one” because they freeze and cover their face when spotted.

I went to the members bar on Thursday, and took a group of people. I’d set up an event online and people had joined and got involved.

I’d ran another event to the same bar a few months ago and pulled a hot underwear model. I was on fire that night. You’d never have guessed I was consumed with self hatred. You wouldn’t think at all I’d spent the last 8 years in and out of the NHS trying- and failing- to sort my life out.

On Thursday you would have guessed. The bar was full of hot women- more so than the above time mentioned. I was again in charge of a group. I just couldn’t muster the confidence to talk to any of the plethora of fit women there. I got talking to the odd random guy. Men are easier to talk to in a club because I don’t want anything from them. Women I can rarely talk to at all. I find that if I’m interested in them, they won’t be and I’ll feel like a twat for approaching them. This happens sometimes. Other times I’ll accidentally talk to some girl I’m NOT into, and she ends up coming on to me. Then I have to be a cold twat with her to put her off.

In the group there was RS, a cockney Indian guy. He’s pretty cool, but he was one of countless people I’ve met who get pissed off with me when I won’t approach any women. This in turn pisses me off, and leaves me even less capable of approaching. Having said that, I didn’t see him approach anyone either. I don’t know why people criticise me over this when they won’t do it themselves. I’ve noticed a few acquaintances like that.

The problem isn’t limited to women. I got guest list for the group by Facebooking the promoter. I saw him on the night but I couldn’t even approach him to say thanks.

The following night I went to a mate’s house-warming. Again, I felt really quiet and arrogant yet under confident. My mate’s former colleague, a very average, dumpy young mother who’s friend had died chatted me up straight away, telling me how good looking I was. We went on the bouncy castle (yes, KOC booked a child’s bouncy castle for her grown brother’s house-warming) and I pushed this girl into the wall a few times. She kept flirting back despite me being very plain and a bit mean. We went back into the kitchen and she told me more about her bereavement. She then burst into tears.

I don’t need it from someone I’m not into. Especially someone I don’t even know. It won’t help her for me to talk to her either.

I gave a lift home to by best mate SW, who was at the party too. We then got the opportunity to say what we were thinking. KOC has not only gone incredibly dull (avoiding Manchester at all costs, never having money despite still living with her parents) but her whole family is rough. The things KOC says to her parents, and that they say back to her and each other, are just plain weird. They’re too open about sex, and discussing it in front of visitors is just straight up wrong.

I’ve noticed we’re distancing, and can feel a break in our friendship coming soon. Me and SW will remain friends forever, but SW and KOC will drift apart unless there’s an argument leading to a solid break.

So yeah. Need to find the belief to approach people. Still. Wondering whether I’ll ever find it.

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