I went to a student night and spent most of it looking at girls without talking to them. When it closed at 3, the 3 of us (me and 2 mates) got talking to 2 girls. They invited us to a ‘party’ in their student accommodation. It was a little awkward as one guy was the fifth wheel. Thankfully, for once, it wasn’t me. He walked out eventually. I went to the bedroom with this 20-year-old blonde girl, a little chubby but cute. We’ll call her B.
She was really hesitant; something was embarrassing her. I told her I was embarrassed about something too. It turned out she hadn’t shaved her minge. I was fine with that. I told her I was addicted to porn. Yep. The girl I was about to nail I talked porn with. She was cool though, and admitted she watched it too. Her favourite stuff it the Massage Rooms videos on Youporn. (Good choice.) She gave me a condom (respect) and I managed to use it without fucking up or getting pissed off and taking it off. I told her I probably wouldn’t come but she shouldn’t be offended. (I didn’t, and she wasn’t.) She said she had eczema and wanted to keep a vest on, which was fine by me. She let me pull it down so her (impressive) tits were out. I, suffice to say, sucked and fucked them.
She seemed a bit cold the next morning, keeping eye contact and conversation short. One of the guys had gone home when he realised we were getting some, and the other I met outside the flat. We’ve talked a little since then, but I’m not holding out much hope.
Wednesday I saw psychosexual therapist CK. I told her what had happened. It was nice to have some actual experience to discuss. She pointed out a few things:
B obviously wasn’t thinking negatively. So I shouldn’t myself. If she doesn’t text back, it’s not about me. (She has texted back, but she’s back home at the moment.) I should perhaps slow this down and go for a drink with her.
There’s no need to pretend to be something I’m not. I’m more than good enough.
Keep challenging negative thoughts.
I’ve reflected on a lot of the things we’ve discussed. I’ve started to challenge negative thoughts.
I told CK about SM, the arsehole ‘friend’ who is always drunk and starting arguments. I need to set boundaries with him. I don’t have to give examples of why I don’t like him. I should judge his behaviour, not him as a person. So instead of “You’re a drunken obnoxious arsehole”, it’s “when you’re drunk you behave obnoxiously, you don’t listen and you talk over people.
Whenever you meet someone, just think “let’s see how it goes.” Don’t think about whether it will go good or bad. If it goes bad, it’s not about you.
So. I’ve blocked SM on Facebook, but he’s RSVP’d to an event that I’m attending. I’ve discussed him with the organiser- she’s aware of how he behaves- so I’ll have to tolerate him for the moment. She doesn’t want me to have the discussion with him, but CK does, so…
Anyway. The bank holiday is still happening and I’m out tonight. Updates coming soon.