I’ve had another meeting with psychosexual therapist CK. We went over a few interesting things. It’s evident that I’m getting braver, partly thanks to her.
I was in the celeb haunt last week on Friday, and I spent most of the night hesitating to talk to a girl I liked: mixed race, dark curly hair, very good looking. Before my group left I dived in and approached. Her name was H, but I had to ask 3 times as I’d seemingly gone deaf.
“There are a lot of pretty girls in here,” I said, “but I think you’re the nicest. I just wanted to let you know.”
She was really happy that I’d told her, and I could probably have got her number, but I felt it was a bit sudden for asking for that.
I discussed this with CK, and she said I should have gone over earlier. I should accept my own nervousness and not worry about what they think. It was a good compliment, and she would really have appreciated that.
My dad has been banging on about mindfulness, a new form of meditation. He knows I’m seeing someone in the NHS about confidence building (he doesn’t know I’m a rabid porn addict though, as far as I know) and he felt it could be helpful for me. It turns out it is quite relevant to my situation: It’s the mental state of floating and ‘going with’ thoughts rather than hesitating or getting hung up on ideas. It’s about being in the moment and acting suchlike. There is a Ladybird book on the subject, made for adults but parodying the kids’ book series. It’s kind of a piss-take, I gather, but could still be informative. Mindfulness also ties into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a similar treatment to what I’m getting. CK will make a referral to a mindfulness group if I want. And I do. It’s apparently the Zeitgeist of the Psychology world.
We then got into graphic detail about masturbation an what happens when I watch porn, and how to do it without. The plan: Lie on my back using lube, use thoughts about what I’ve seen in clubs and other real-life situations, use a gentle grip, and don’t actually try to cum- just notice the feeling. Get in touch with the sensation. Do this every other day: I’m still going to have to watch porn as I’m addicted to it, but use the alternative half the time.
There is a Sex Addicts Anonymous group in Manchester that I’m tempted to check out. Not city centre though, which is a pain in the arse. They run group sessions which I think might be helpful.
So that’s the session with psychosexual. Later that week, I met people for a night out in a different celeb haunt to the usual one, to see who we could spot (no-one) and to practice what I’d discussed with CK. I did a little bit of approaching- one girl- but she was married. I looked around, but before long some other girl- dark hair, 20 something, tight flowery dress- started dancing with me. I didn’t do a lot of work, but she quite quickly put her tongue in my mouth, grinded on me, grabbed my crotch and then disappeared.
Yup- she was all over me then vanished. I could not find her. Oh well. At least I pulled. And it seems CK’s advice is working.
When I woke up I arranged to meet with B, who I haven’t had a chance to see since I nailed her 2 weeks ago. I took her around Spinningfields, which was a bit of an eye-opener for her- Deansgate Locks and Oxford road is all she’s used to, being a student. It was a nice date, and we got to know each other. We just kissed and talked basically. She texted me straight after I left her saying she’d had a nice time and she was sorry if she was awkward. I said I thought I was, but not her. So all’s good there. Hopefully we’ll shag again. I want someone else though, someone more glam with a better body. I deserve that. I’ve pulled models before, so there’s no reason I should settle for someone I’m not really that into. B I like and want to see, but I don’t want her as a girlfriend and I don’t think she wants to be one to anyone right now.
So next up: organise more nights out, get more practice. Be fucking fearless!