I didn’t have much to say last week as I’d not met with B and I’d not had a meeting with psychosexual therapist CK.
B has pretty much gone quiet on me: I got a text from her on Monday (when we were supposed to meet) but she was at work… excuses excuses. Oh well. At least I fucked her. Once again, an instance of the woman using the man. Whatever. She smoked and was a bit fat. Notch on the bedpost and all that.
I have now had another meeting with CK. She recommends I check out this sex addicts group but it’s out in Fallowfield and that isn’t particularly close.
As mentioned, B said she watches porn. CK said women’s attitude to it may vary.
Keep masturbating in bed without porn using imagination. Sounds simple enough, but is hard work when you’re hooked on online filth. Don’t try to cum. Just enjoy the pleasure. Think of situations that could be a reality.
I had discussed Mindfulness at my last meeting with CK. I again mentioned I’m keen to learn more about this so she’s making a referral to this after I’ve finished these psychosexual sessions. I’ve looked for things happening near to me but I can’t see anything.
I’ve mentioned a website that offers online social groups- CK asked if there were any specific dating based groups- there are but they look a bit dodgy to be honest. Just very average people that don’t interest me. Sorry if that sounds arrogant!
CK suggests watching porn every other day to begin with, and cutting down gradually. I’m managing just about.
She suggests getting to know girls that I’m not interested in to get used to introductions. I want to try this, but my experience my whole adult life is that they then come on to me and I then have to turn them down, and they can frequently be PISSED OFF with me for this, saying that I’ve led them on.
She suggests I don’t make my decisions based on looks. A fair point. Good looks make me nervous. That’s why I don’t approach. But if I stop thinking about what she thinks, and take things a step at a time- i.e. check if I want to talk to her, I might not get stressed. I’m “putting the pussy on the pedal”, (not her phrase or mine, just something I heard) and feeling intimidated because of that. I should be thinking “I’ll see if I want to talk to her” and reserve judgement ’til I want to talk to her.
I’m meeting CK again in a month’s time.
This week I’ve been out to clubs here and there. Friday I went to a cool club full of white girls and black and Asian guys. Not a place a white guy like myself can pull. (This, of course, is the excuse I give myself.) I saw quite a few hot Indian girls (something I’ve got a thing for) but my instant thought was “they won’t fancy white guys”, so I basically asked one of them if she was having a good night, she said something back, I bottled it and the conversation went no further. Fail.
I did meet a hot yoga instructor in Dive bar, which is not such a dive of a bar in all fairness. Good vibes generally. She was a friend of a friend who apparently thought I was cute. I’ve added her on Facebook and we’re having a typically clumsy conversation. Hoping I’ll meet her soon. She’s pretty funny.
So the battle continues…