Dr Gabor Mate discusses his work with addicts, and how compassion is key to treatment. I watched this a month ago. The line that has stuck with me is that addiction, as Dr Mate suggests, is always an attempt to escape pain.
I relate to this because my pain is self-inflicted; it comes from self-loathing. I have had certain learning difficulties for most of my life, and although most people I meet don’t notice these difficulties- my systems work so well that I don’t really slip up- I still consider them to be hugely obvious and damaging to any potential friendship / relationship.
I told female friend AMN a few weeks ago, I think that when women notice that there’s something wrong with me, they are going to think, “He’s special needs. I’m not dealing with him.” She was surprised that I would ever think that. Bemused as to why I would ever think that, in fact. It’s seemingly not a big deal to anyone but me. But my condition gets worse, and my ability to string a conversation together falls apart, when I like someone. And THAT is what people notice, and I’m really embarrassed about it.
This weekend I tried to talk to women, other than my existing friends, but I struggled. I still only talked to one, who it turned out lived a few streets down from me despite meeting her in a bar 11 miles from my home. She was a stunner though. I didn’t recognise her at all.
I beat myself up mentally a lot.
In other news, I got a refund on my club ticket but I’ve told the group I’m not getting one for the night they want to go to. Proud of myself for making that decision to be honest. Saved me forty quid. Might go spend it in Long Legs again.