After last week’s email to the support group’s head office, I got a phone call from DR, who used to be a group member but is now an employee at head office. He was really gutted that I’d been put in a position to have to write the email, describing me as a stalwart of the group. I didn’t name DK or RH, nor RD who was supposedly emailing head office himself.
I described people smoking outside the building – DR agreed it was bang out of order and he’ll pass a message on to tell them not to do it.
I described the building being too full and attendee numbers being too high for the location. DR reckons the numbers aren’t that high, and they’ve been higher in that venue. Still, they might use the main space in the building not just the smaller rooms, it just means people going to the toilet and interrupting people etc.
I mentioned that there’s a lot of waffle at the start of the session about planned football matches and this and that – for those of us who just want to get on with the session, it’s not particularly helpful. DR assured me it will be changed.
As for the DK situation – his incessant waffling and badgering me for my time – it’s happening outside of group time, so not something the group can comment on. Not their responsibility. But at least they know.
RD hasn’t emailed head office, DR tells me, although he wouldn’t tell me anyway due to confidentiality.
As for people gossiping about what has been shared in round 3, it’s a breach of the rules. It’ll be fed back to the group, where the facilitators – ironically including DK and RH – will read out the notice to the group… telling them not to reference people’s shares outside of the group.
It’s a clusterfuck. I’m sticking with this other online group for the moment.
Away from the group, I’m feeling really lonely. It’s an emotion that I can’t get away from. I never have been able to. I know, through experience, though, that even if I did meet up with this friend or that friend, that the feeling that something is missing – the hollowness, the inferiority – it wouldn’t go away. It’s not the absence of accessible friends that is the sole issue (although that’s part of it). Going out on my own isn’t particularly helping. Seeing everyone else do what I what to be doing (parts of it, at least) is what hurts.
That said, I’m in my fucking 40s. Do I want to be hanging around in bars? I want a relationship. Is lone wolfing to Manchester on a Saturday helping me? Is it fuck. But what else is there? I don’t want to do anything else.
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