Well. I’ve requested more hours in work, I’m still tapping away at my job, working as quickly as I can, which isn’t easy with depression and insomnia, and I’m finding answers to HMRC-related shit. The snow is pissing me off, meaning I can’t really socialise, but I can stay in watching DVDs. My fucking washing machine has broken (why in winter FFS?) so I’m washing stuff at my mum’s, but I own about 60 pairs of boxers so I’m fine for clothes generally.
I fancy a girl called SL- a businesswoman with celeb connections who’s definitely single and- from her Twitter- not too happy about it either. SL is a stunner. I’m wondering if I have a chance, and expecting that I don’t. But, therein lies the problem. She recognises me now at events, which is a start, and we talk a little over Twitter. Gonna need clearer signals. And gonna have to make clearer signals too. But her events are more fun than just standing around in a random bar ignoring all the dodgy girls and being ignored by all the half decent ones. I’ve met the odd person here and there and people are okay with making introductions and being approached. I’ll have to put a bit more effort in without sounding thirsty. Will need the snow to FUCK OFF so that I can put some events on and invite her to them… or maybe grow a set and straight up ask her out.
Last night I went to a couple of swanky bars with a model called EB, who I mentioned I met a year ago. I’ve met up with her a few times since I met her, but I eventually got around to asking an important question.
When I met EB, she was with her mate VK, who was single. I tried it on but I didn’t really know what to say. I wasn’t sure if VK was interested. Having met up with EB a few times, I decided to see what the deal was. EB said yes, VK was interested, and I did drop the ball. Added to that, though, VK is really messed up according to EB. She’s got a lot of problems. Haven’t we all, though- EB herself said she was sexually abused as a child.
Added to the confusion, EB is now single- she wasn’t when she met me. She’s hot. Great tits. She’s getting attention from guys a lot, and she’s clear with other people that we’re mates, but we’re still going to flirt when we meet up. We’ll see what happens. Probably nothing. But she can be practice.
EB brought her mate DD out, a hot, big-titted tattooed model. We’d met briefly before, but she didn’t remember me much. Again, tried, but she pulled some other guy who was completely different to me.
Feeling like I’ve let myself down a bit, but glad I’ve found answers to a few questions.
…because of the shitty fucking weather, and people’s general apathy towards nightlife events.
Speed dating didn’t happen, nor did a careers advice meeting, nor a Saturday night out, nor watching the boxing, nor UFC. Typical Britain: it snows, and life grinds to a halt. I cannot wait for this to be over.
That said, I’ve been warm and have watched plenty of films. Things could be much worse.
I still can’t talk to girls. I’m now in my late 30s. Those three nights out happened, but I got nowhere. All very different nights out, all in places where there were plenty of women. I just wasn’t in the zone. I wasn’t feeling right. I was like a rabbit in the headlights.
Again, more plans for next weekend although whether I’ll feel better, nobody knows. Sertraline isn’t working, even when I double drop. Meeting with the support group doesn’t give me the boost that I want. I’ve self-referred to Social Services, but I’ve not heard back. Girl mate AMN has a degree in psychology- she’s encouraging me to go back into neuropsychology / psychotherapy. I don’t know exactly what they could tell me that they haven’t already, though.
I have more events on the horizon, which will be a little different from standard nights out. We’ll see.
…but it doesn’t look like I can get tax credits or Universal Credit. So basically I’m going to be poor as fuck. Nothing happening with women, although this week I’m out 3 nights.
Trying to be good to myself. Trying to enjoy my own company and not bring myself down. Reading, watching films, gymming. Not too bad.
Basically mental health is causing me problems and as a result I owe shit tons of money to the NHS. Shocking state of affairs. WTC stopped. PIP is a small amount, nothing like what I was on under DLA. Fines for dentist and doctors visits, as I ticked the wrong box.
I’ve booked a GP appointment in the hope that I can get a referral to Social Services, on the ROCK SLID understanding that I want them to help me with finances, NOT emotions. My mum’s coming with me to show it’s not just me being a hypochondriac. It’s over a week away though.
I’ll go to the fucking papers if needs be. I need to pull money out of an ISA to fund these fines. Supposedly I’ll have heard back about this in 2 weeks time. Under DLA I was putting money into an ISA- under PIP I’m taking it out to pay for three-figure fines. Ridiculous.
So on Friday night I went on a date with a girl I briefly met a couple of weeks ago at an event. I couldn’t really remember much about her but my mate was suggesting I get in there, so I thought I’d give her a shot. We were supposed to go to Bosu, a health bar on Cross St for low-fat snacks, but it was shut so we shot around the corner to Be At One, and hammered a few cocktails.
She’s a nice girl and everything but there’s no magic there at all- no attraction from me at least. I called it off.
DWP are sending my stress levels through the roof at the moment, stalling on things. Dealing with very long phone conversations that are going round in circles. Very frustrating for me and my parents. I’m being told I’m supposed to be on WTC, then UC, then back to WTC again. Noboy has a clue.