Interesting video about addiction

Dr Gabor Mate discusses his work with addicts, and how compassion is key to treatment. I watched this a month ago. The line that has stuck with me is that addiction, as Dr Mate suggests, is always an attempt to escape pain.

I relate to this because my pain is self-inflicted; it comes from self-loathing. I have had certain learning difficulties for most of my life, and although most people I meet don’t notice these difficulties- my systems work so well that I don’t really slip up- I still consider them to be hugely obvious and damaging to any potential friendship / relationship.

I told female friend AMN a few weeks ago, I think that when women notice that there’s something wrong with me, they are going to think, “He’s special needs. I’m not dealing with him.” She was surprised that I would ever think that. Bemused as to why I would ever think that, in fact. It’s seemingly not a big deal to anyone but me. But my condition gets worse, and my ability to string a conversation together falls apart, when I like someone. And THAT is what people notice, and I’m really embarrassed about it.

This weekend I tried to talk to women, other than my existing friends, but I struggled. I still only talked to one, who it turned out lived a few streets down from me despite meeting her in a bar 11 miles from my home. She was a stunner though. I didn’t recognise her at all.

I beat myself up mentally a lot.

In other news, I got a refund on my club ticket but I’ve told the group I’m not getting one for the night they want to go to. Proud of myself for making that decision to be honest. Saved me forty quid. Might go spend it in Long Legs again.

Well, this week hasn’t been the best.


The drunk milf I met a couple of weeks ago is ill, so hasn’t met me. “I’m ill” is the classic excuse most women pull when they can’t be arsed any more, but she seems to still be in touch so who knows. Plenty more either way.

Disability benefit DLA has turned to PIP, which I am applying for. When I got DLA the lady helping me fill out the form really knew how to dig around to get the information out of me. This time I’ve done it with a guy who I’m not convinced was digging deep enough. It was also a bit humiliating telling my mum that the “confidence building” sessions I was having were actually psychosexual therapy. Doubt it came as a surprise, though. I’ve had to get an extension as I’m waiting for my successful DLA form to come thorough the post. That way I can see what I said and replicate it. Why they can’t just scan it in and email me the PDF I don’t know. And what the need was in changing DLA to PIP I also don’t know, as it’s the least-abused of all benefits. They just don’t want to spend money on disabled people. I’ve just come off the phone to them: they hadn’t actually requested the file when I’d asked them to, so the woman has only just done it now. The extension on the deadline has been made though. (Why do they need this deadline in place? They would be the ones paying us, so what benefit to them is there in having this deadline?)

To further humiliate disabled people, we are all being called in for a face-to-face interview to check that we aren’t lying. DLA was the least-abused credit out of all of them. Why won’t these fuckers trust us?!

I was really up for seeing a house music group at The Warehouse Project. A few mates were up for it but they then sold their tickets to get tickets for another night instead. I don’t even know the group playing that night, and forty fucking quid for a ticket is a LOT of money, so I’m probably going to duck the latter, I’ve the ticket I did buy up for resale, and I’ll not go to Warehouse Project at all. It means I can spread out my money to go to more nights out. In fact, I’ve not heard from the group I was going with so I’m wondering whether they’ve gone quiet on me.

So yeah, not the best of weeks, but I have plans for nights out etc. So let’s see how things go.



After pissing and moaning about how shit everything is, what do I do? Go to a party in a swanky club full of fit birds, meet loads of them and pull one of them.

It was an event I saw advertised and the only person I managed to get to come with me was ZH, who I’d previously said I’d try to distance myself from. He drove to mine so he decided to drive us in. He was making a lot of dodgy comments, back-handed compliments (“Your dress sense is definitely getting better”) and obnoxious statements. It occurred to me I was going to have to distance myself from him. I got talking to a few people there- he’s a lot more confident than me, but I had more success in the end. There was a lot of approaching to do, and there was a handful of Z-listers, so I met a few of them. Then I got talking to a really drunk milf on the dance floor. I pulled her fairly quickly, to my credit, and we’ve added on Instagram and we’re talking. She’s from the Liverpool area, which is a bit of a trek, but I’m prepared to travel to see her. She wants to take me to a club called Playground. It’s gonna be a few weeks off yet though, so who knows.

ZH then left early in the morning, leaving about 3 suitcases and a load of bedding in my lounge. He texted me saying he’d “just remembered” he had an appointment and had to go.

I then went away for the weekend to Europe, where every doorman hated me and I couldn’t get in anywhere. The moment I got back ZH was on the phone asking to pick up his stuff.

I had said I thought ZH was gay- he’s from Liverpool but the Wirral end where it’s a little posh, so he doesn’t have the full-on Scouse accent. He’s straight, but still an arsehole. Must try harder to cut him out of my life. I’m having to add him to the ever-growing list of people excluded from my Facebook posts. (Do this with the ‘custom’ feature below ‘friends only’ or ‘public’.)

So the positive is I had a great weekend and I’ve met a fit older girl. Let’s see what happens.



Failing with the reading challenge, failing to not watch porn, failing to do anything with women beyond get pictures taken with them… Generally failing all over. But it’s Monday, and it’s a new week. I shall try again. The students are back- Fresher’s week has just ended- so there may be a few more nights out available to hone my approaching skills.