Weird week.


But isn’t every week. Weight has bounced back down. The PIP people are complaining they’ve not heard from me, when I asked them for an extension and my PIP Mandatory Reconsideration form should be with them now.

I was talking to my best female friend SW who knows GR, the girl I took to the restaurant who then ignored me. She tell me GR is in ‘a dark place’ at the moment and she won’t open up to anyone. Regardless, it’s out of order to accept a free meal and not even let the guy know where he stands afterwards. SW was in agreement on that.

I’ve got more Sertraline. I’ve missed a few days, so it’s not having the effect it should have. The doctor wasn’t too happy about that. As I need to take it in the afternoon, I’ve since been bringing my pill box with me to work and to other events just to take it at the right time and not miss a dose. He reckons, though, that it sounds like it’s had an effect. I’ve certainly tried to talk to women a little more frequently. I’ve just not had much actual success- probably because I’m still going to the same places that I can never pull in anyway.

Girl mate SF suggested I should stop trying to get pictures with girls. She says it’s a bit creepy. Well, shit. I guess I need to be told these things. It worked one time in 2014 with an 18-year-old, and I’ve been trying it ever since. I look like a massive man-slag on Instagram from all the pics with girls I never got anywhere with. But it looks like those days are over now. Time to be normal and chat people up properly.

And on that issue, I have stepped forward and said hi to a few people, but I dry up pretty quickly. I can’t keep a convo going. I need to be more confident and more of a showman, more of the person I want to be.

I was talking to SW last night. I asked her about GR, the girl I took to the restaurant (who subsequently stopped talking to me). SW said GR is in ‘a bad place’ at the moment. She’s stopped talking to her friends and family and shut herself off from everyone, apparently. Not sure I believe it. I always feel that people don’t want to tell me the truth- that I’m not good enough- or bad enough- for them. But it sounds like GR has some serious problems regardless. Either way, I’d have thought it was common decency to tell people what the score is. Pisstake.

4 nights out this week, zero phone numbers. Shocking.

I’m out of Sertraline


I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow to discus how the antidepressant helped, or didn’t. I’m going to say I thought it helped at first but still didn’t get the boost I hoped for. I still freeze when I should be talking to women. It’s also knocking me out. I need to take it at the right time- too early and I’ll fall asleep in the afternoon. Too late and I can’t sleep.

It didn’t give me the kind of effect that MDMA did- I took that and walked straight up to the fittest girl in the club, pulled her, got her number, went into VIP with her and got her kissing her (equally fit) mate in front of me. Sertraline has not given me such success.

I’ve somehow put on 5kg in the last week, which is also a little depressing. I was doing well with weight loss. It seems to have come from one pizza as late as last night. Oh, and a few flapjacks. And peanut butter chocolate bars. Gah, I’ve been a fat fuck.

Only had 1 night out this week and it was a catchup with mates in The Whisky Jar, Liqour Store and The Red Door- not bad places, but not that good either. Town was dead anyway.

PIP mandatory reconsideration is in the post. Having to write about depression and porn addiction and then get feedback on it from an Asian Muslim woman is pretty awkward but a necessary evil. It looks like I’m going to score enough to get what I was getting from DLA. If it goes to appeal, the advisors I saw can come with me. Hopefully they’ll just give it to me.

Better nights out are planned. Let’s see how things go.

Sertraline Update


Last week I mentioned I’d been on a date. The Niece has stopped texting back. She was obviously not that interested to begin with. Shame I had to shell out so much to find this out, but whatever. I mus just not have been good enough for her, for whatever reason.

Been out a few times this week, and am still taking antidepressants. They seemed to be working at first, but I’m still feeling hesitant and not good enough for women. Need to stay away from certain places and people- Indian women are SNOBS. I keep trying though. I said hi to one of them and she just thumbed at me to her mates and rolled her eyes. Whatever. I’ve managed to have few short conversations with people in a few bars, but I’ve struggled.

Moving on from this for a moment- I’m still filling out the PIP mandatory reconsideration form. It’s taking ages but it’s pretty much done now- it just needs checking over by a professional. The last professional to read it said I need to push the depression element of the problem. So this means writing something about porn addiction and putting it in. I don’t want to do this when my family might read it, so it means writing this extra part tomorrow. My family have helped me fill in the form but I now have to add in the extra parts and hope it doesn’t go to appeal, and also hope they don’t ask me about it in front of my parents who would be there with me.

To add more to this form, I should write about how my condition affects me in bars, so I’ve been making notes on my feelings when I’m out in bars. “Heart beatin hard. Trembles. Stomach feels sick. Literally any other guy would be better for her.”

Girl mate SF gave me a pep talk. “I just think that they should be grateful that I want to talk to them,” she said. I wish I could feel that way about myself. Sertraline has not made that adjustment.

I may try the old combo of going to a lap dancing club on the Friday then a normal bar on the Saturday, to see if it gives me a boost. It worked a few months ago.

Tomorrow I’m booking an appointment with my doctor to discuss sertraline and its effects.

I’ve been on a date with the niece!



Not my niece, the niece of some girl I met at a club night ages ago. GR is a gorgeous girl. We talked on Facebook for a while and we arranged a date pretty quickly. She was keen to meet. It took a while before we found the time, but we got a restaurant date pinned down. We got food at a Chinese restaurant and got to know each other. She’s cool and we got on well, but we didn’t really flirt much. This was Friday night- since then we’ve talked on and off but she takes AGES to reply.

If she’s still replying, though, she must still be interested, so let’s see where it leads.

I met some other girl on Wednesday night in a club. I was steaming, though, and don’t remember a great deal. I texted her but she didn’t get back to me.

Still taking antidepressants. Not sure how effective they are on me- I still hesitate when talking to girls, but that said, I’ve picked up a few phone numbers recently. And as we are now into February, Manchester is getting busier and more people are able to come on nights out (of which I have loads planned).