Struggling with mental health as per,

 

Trying to talk to women but it comes out quite abrupt and maybe a little intimidating. Need to sound more normal and natural. Female friend SF picked up on this. She’s a good mate but any criticism anyone could give me I’ve heard before. Still, walking up to a girl and saying ‘You go to Socialite’ is a bit, woah.

This was while we were in the celeb haunt. (I recognised no-one famous.) Male friend AA came to check the place out. He described being in there, and looking around, as like watching David Attenborough narrating a wildlife documentary, looking at the males stalking the females, observing the courtship rituals.

Like he was a different species. Which is how I feel in there. I don’t feel like it’s my scene, and never have. I think it’s the first time I’ve been on a Saturday since before I started on Sertraline. I’ve had good nights the celeb haunt, but I fit in more around Spinningfields and maybe a few places in the Northern Quarter.

I felt quite awkward and inferior, despite having double dropped antidepressants, and having been on them almost a year. It’s maybe time to stop going to the celebrity places sticking instead with places where the music is more to my taste. Which will annoy SF somewhat, as she loves these places. What made it worse is I queued up for about an hour to get in, and the entry fee was double it was last time I went on a Saturday (about year ago). As per, there was a steady stream of people being booted out for fighting. They’re really just moneyed scallies that populate these places- the people are no different to the clientele of Brannigans 15 years ago. They just dress better.

Update on last week- KBP is in Las Vegas. Hopefully she’ll meet me when she’s back next week.

AAAAAAAAGES ago, some time around Christmas…

 

I pulled some girl in Albert’s Schloss called KBP. I can’t find a blog post mentioning her, so no idea if I’ve told you about her. At the time she told me she wasn’t up for meeting, but I asked her to check out my eponymous blog, where she noticed that I liked house music. She makes house music herself, and sent me a link to her Soundcloud, and we kept chatting intermittently though text and Instagram. So, 10 months later, I finally convince her to let me take her out for a coffee. Jesus Christ. I cannot give my money and time away.

We eventually went for a date in the new Kettle Bell Kitchen over at 1st Street Manchester, this weekend. We caught up on our lives and got to know each other. No kiss, but nice conversation. Maybe too nice. I dunno. We’re still talking, just about.

Away from dating, I’d set up an event to visit a swanky club in Manchester, but nobody was up for it. I was quite disappointed in everyone. I will try again. I can’t help thinking that if female friend and co-organiser SF puts it up, there’ll be more interest. It’s worth trying.

There’s a possible 3 thing happening next week so hopefully it’ll be more exciting.

Well, it was a more exciting week, to a degree.

 

I’ve got over flu, been to work and gone out this weekend last night.

I met girl mate SF in a bar, when some random guy phones me with a heavy manc accent asking about a girl I pulled in a club a few weeks ago- I forgot to blog about this.

I got talking to a young girl with HUGE tits called KG, who was only 16 and must have got in with a fake ID. She was gorgeous, as bad as this sounds. A few minutes after pulling her she disappeared. I texted her towards the end of the night asking if she was still in. I got no response so headed home, but on the way to my car she phoned me asking who I was. She’d completely forgotten about me.

The next day I offered my Instagram handle so she could see if she recognised me. She didn’t. It was going nowhere.

So anyway, the phone rang last night- a withheld number- I answer, and this guy is saying that KG, who I pulled, has got facial herpes and she might have given it to me. And she’s 14. I started to smell bullshit. But I also started to think, what if? I hung up on him.

KG texted me a few minutes later saying ‘that was my mate she was only bantering’- it turns out it was a girl. With a deep voice. I asked her if she got in with a fake ID. She did, and told me ‘don’t grass.’ (The club ID’s everyone, meaning the system doesn’t work for shit. If underagers can get in, blacklisted criminals or whoever else can too.) I asked her again how old she was. 16. Not admirable to be pulling someone that young when you’re mid 30s, but not illegal either.

Pulled some girl called A, blonde and pretty decent looking, not amazing, but young. About 19. I approached her. I’ve texted her tonight but I’ve not heard back. What next, I wonder…

The Problem with my card was with the bar.

 

I got in touch with my bank about my card being declined- there’s some money, not much, but enough in my current account, so the bank said that was the bar’s problem. I phoned Amazon and they admitted that Amazon Prime has been taking money from a lot of customers who only bought item from their regular site, so I got a refund on that. The bar that I wasn’t in, which appeared on my statement as if I’d made a payment to them, is next door to a bar that I WAS in, and I bought a cocktail there so it’s likely they’re trading under the other bar’s name.

So, panic over on that front, but I still need to manage my finances better now that I’m poorer. I typically missed the last bus on Friday and paid £20 for a taxi, but spent virtually nothing drinking tap water on Saturday. THAT is the way forward.

Got talking to a girl in The Member’s Bar that night, but she had horrendous breath, so I backed out of that situation. Nothing much else to report.

Well, that lasted just over a week.

 

Today I crashed and burned and watched porn. Addiction is real.

I remember psychosexual therapist CK asking me to think of my feelings before I use porn. What’s driving me to use it? Loneliness? Boredom? Lust? It’s probably all of them, but going out and not getting anywhere with women that I really like is a part of it. In fact, it’s the main reason.

I talked to a few girls this week, who were all steadfastly disinterested. One of them had a boyfriend. It turned out I used to work with her dad, to her horror.

More nights out planned for next weekend. I’ll try again.

Holding strong

 

A week in and no porn. Sertraline is certainly helping, but even when I double drop I’m still terrified of talking to women. I’m fucking sick of going to Guilty, to be honest, but a lot of my mates go there a frequently. I may put my foot down on it. The only reason I didn’t just not go to that bar was that I was staying out later anyway to watch Mayweather vs McGregor.

Girl mate SF is usually available to come on nights out but If something is planned everyone else in my life will probably flake out. I am so tired of having let-down mates. Added to this, SF is constantly shagging one guy or another. It’s depressing listening to how easy it is for her.

Oh, and of course, Jemma Lucy kissing Sarah Harding in Celebrity Big Brother was somewhat of a highlight. When the Celebrity Big Brother line-up was revealed, I immediately hoped that this would happen.

Still haven’t caught up with HW- confused

 

HW is a promoter at a couple of swanky venues in town, or at least one. There’s a new place just opened, and she’s saying on her Twitter that she’s a promoter from that one too. So I arranged with a few mates to go to The New Place and specifically asked her over Twitter for guestlist. I went to the new place last Saturday.

Only a small handful RSVP’d, then 2 cried off. Me and NK, a short, enthusiastic but socially clumsy Asian, headed out to The New Place. Everyone was on the guestlist, so the queue was horrendous. Nobody on the door had a clue who HW was, although they said a few people had said she had put them on the guestlist. It was £20 on guestlist or not anyway, so we just paid and went in. It just about filled up, but the girls were stuck up and hard work. Oh well. It would have been better if more people had come. I will try again to get people to come and enjoy themselves, for fuck’s sake.