No real progress, tbh

Rewrote my CV with the careers advisor. It looks a lot better now, but that doesn’t negate the lack of decent jobs and my lack of actual skills.

Struggling to pick up a new system in work. Tired of putting all my efforts into learning a computer package only to have it taken off me and replaced with something else, meaning I have to learn it all again. Friends are too busy. No word from DWP or Citizens Advice.

Went on the prowl last night, on my own as everyone is eith er away, busy with kids or broke. This is all I found.

What. Am I going. To do.

Horrendous problems with the DWP, being told all sorts of different things by different advisors. Perhaps dropping my sertraline to once every 2 days wasn’t a good idea. I dunno. Not really felt like going out, but when I did, nobody else wanted to either. I have a social group with over a thousand people in it, and not one of them would come out with me. Either the site attracts total flakes, or I have CUNT written on my head, or both. I dunno.

Snapped at my parents tonight, which I really shouldn’t have done, but Dad was confusing sales with marketing, and claiming that there was no difference. Having worked my arse off at both (and largely failed in both) I found it really offensive. We’d got onto this subject as I’d sent my dad my last few bank statements, and I’m running out of cash at a horrendous rate. I need more work, and I want to get out of the public sector. There’s nothing there for me. I told him I was considering marketing and PR. Hence the argument.

Seeing an employment advisor tomorrow. Not thought through what I want to ask.

Well- I’ve been out all bank holiday weekend trying to make approaches.

 I made a few, but not one woman was interested. Tried taking a few creep shots but it’s hard work focusing a camera with your flash off and getting close enough for any pictures to come out.

So little has happened that I can report on- trying to get back into psychotherapy but organising a time for the telephone interview has been a pain. I’m taking sertraline once every 2 days but I can’t say the reduction has caused any particular difference. Still terrified of talking to hot women.

Also I forgot to get hayfever stuff so I should be feeling some pretty horrendous effects over the next few days. I’m not too bad as it stands. The three things I need will now cost me a fortune as I’m no longer eligible for treatment, due to changes in benefits. (Not changes in my condition, just how ATOS and the Tory government see fit. FUCK THEM.)

I’ve got a few things planned for next week that are different to general nights out. We’ll see how they go.

A difficult, unsuccessful week

Well, I haven’t asked out SL, I’ve been out loads all weekend and met no interesting women, I’ve been surrounded by hot Indian women who won’t look at white guys and all the white girls have been tied up with black guys. I’m not making this up. The rest of the women I’ve seen in bars have been a bit nondescript, so there’s been very little of interest.

Girl mate SF still feels like I’m pushing her away because I want to change where we go on nights out- the RnB clubs bore me now and I just want something different. Even places that were staple house music venues like Impossible and Sakana (Okay, they wanna be called 23 Peter St now) are playing more RnB.

Added to this it appears that Sertraline is killing off my sex drive- I can’t even be arsed watching porn any more. And I don’t seem to be approaching anyone, and this is partly anxiety, something that’s supposed to be negated by sertraline, but it’s also that the urge isn’t really there. But if it’s killing my sex drive, it undermines the point of taking them in the first place, which is to help me overcome problems with women, which is why I have low mood. I’ve been taking them over a year now and it’s obvious that they aren’t working. Christ, a few months ago I had KBP in my bed and I didn’t even feel like fucking her.

I’ve gone on the waitlist for psychotherapy AGAIN, after girl mate AMN recommended it. Getting this advice while on antidepressants could be interesting. Feeling a bit shit overall.

Out with model EB

 

Last night I went to a couple of swanky bars with a model called EB, who I mentioned I met a year ago.  I’ve met up with her a few times since I met her, but I eventually got around to asking an important question.

When I met EB, she was with her mate VK, who was single. I tried it on but I didn’t really know what to say. I wasn’t sure if VK was interested. Having met up with EB a few times, I decided to see what the deal was. EB said yes, VK was interested, and I did drop the ball. Added to that, though, VK is really messed up according to EB. She’s got a lot of problems. Haven’t we all, though- EB herself said she was sexually abused as a child.

Added to the confusion, EB is now single- she wasn’t when she met me. She’s hot. Great tits. She’s getting attention from guys a lot, and she’s clear with other people that we’re mates, but we’re still going to flirt when we meet up. We’ll see what happens. Probably nothing. But she can be practice.

EB brought her mate DD out, a hot, big-titted tattooed model. We’d met briefly before, but she didn’t remember me much. Again, tried, but she pulled some other guy who was completely different to me.

Feeling like I’ve let myself down a bit, but glad I’ve found answers to a few questions.

I’m feeling really down.

 

I still can’t talk to girls. I’m now in my late 30s. Those three nights out happened, but I got nowhere. All very different nights out, all in places where there were plenty of women. I just wasn’t in the zone. I wasn’t feeling right. I was like a rabbit in the headlights.

Again, more plans for next weekend although whether I’ll feel better, nobody knows. Sertraline isn’t working, even when I double drop. Meeting with the support group doesn’t give me the boost that I want. I’ve self-referred to Social Services, but I’ve not heard back. Girl mate AMN has a degree in psychology- she’s encouraging me to go back into neuropsychology / psychotherapy. I don’t know exactly what they could tell me that they haven’t already, though.

I have more events on the horizon, which will be a little different from standard nights out. We’ll see.