Today I crashed and burned and watched porn. Addiction is real.
I remember psychosexual therapist CK asking me to think of my feelings before I use porn. What’s driving me to use it? Loneliness? Boredom? Lust? It’s probably all of them, but going out and not getting anywhere with women that I really like is a part of it. In fact, it’s the main reason.
I talked to a few girls this week, who were all steadfastly disinterested. One of them had a boyfriend. It turned out I used to work with her dad, to her horror.
More nights out planned for next weekend. I’ll try again.
A week in and no porn. Sertraline is certainly helping, but even when I double drop I’m still terrified of talking to women. I’m fucking sick of going to Guilty, to be honest, but a lot of my mates go there a frequently. I may put my foot down on it. The only reason I didn’t just not go to that bar was that I was staying out later anyway to watch Mayweather vs McGregor.
Girl mate SF is usually available to come on nights out but If something is planned everyone else in my life will probably flake out. I am so tired of having let-down mates. Added to this, SF is constantly shagging one guy or another. It’s depressing listening to how easy it is for her.
Oh, and of course, Jemma Lucy kissing Sarah Harding in Celebrity Big Brother was somewhat of a highlight. When the Celebrity Big Brother line-up was revealed, I immediately hoped that this would happen.
I mentioned 2 weeks ago that I fancy someone. This is a rarity for me, to single someone out rather than checking out hundreds of women (and subsequently being ignored by them all). I’ve found her on Twitter. We’ll call her HW. She got me guestlist at a club she works at this weekend just gone, but half my mates couldn’t get in as they were disorganised ARSEHOLES and once again didn’t bring ID. I’m going to try again next week. But I should keep a little twitter DM convo going as well.
I have loads to do but I’m not doing it for some reason (depression and porn). I will try again next week.
She works at the celeb haunt club that I dive into every now and then. One of the promotion managers works with a gorgeous blonde with a great body, about 21. I met her in the bar over the road from said club, and have spotted her in a couple of other places. She told me her name, but typically I can’t remember. I got a kiss on the cheek last time I saw her, so she’s not stone cold.
My initial feelings whenever I meet someone is that she’s probably not interested, so I don’t bother finding out in case I get humiliated. Then I end up humiliating myself through lack of action. I’m going to go in for the kill and ask for her number, or maybe Facebook, or Twitter. Make it a little different. But I’m going to try specifically with her. Could do with finding out what her name is.
I put an event up for Friday, a night out to the celeb haunt, but I only got 1 RSVP and he looked like a weirdo. He backed out at the last minute. AA said he might come, then he changed his mind too. Shit. It’s easier to get people to come out midweek than it is to get them out at the weekend.
Added to this complication, my arse is still utterly pungent. No matter how much I swap food around and try different things, I can’t stop farting. It’s this that makes me nervous about talking to women, not so much learning difficulties or the like. I may need to go to my doctor about this too. I’m getting tired of embarrassing conversations with GPs and other people, but I guess they must continue.
The moment I left her flat she ceased all contact. I’m still in her Facebook friends, although she doesn’t seem to have updated it and won’t respond to my message.
I went back to the celeb club Thursday just gone but there were so many people already coupled up. I found it impossible to pick anyone out to begin with. Talked to a few people here and there, but got nowhere. I was hoping I’d be on a roll. Typically, no.
I’m out Friday Saturday and Monday, so we’ll see what happens later on.
As mentioned last week my GP recommended I double drop antidepressant Sertraline if the night is going to be particularly challenging. I’ve done this three nights in a row this week. I pulled noone.
Thursday: Deansgate Locks was full of pretentious arseholes. I approached a girl who instantly slagged off my ‘trainers’- which were pumps. ZH pulled 3 times, the first time I’ve seen him pull at all. Terrible attitudes from the girls there. There are much better nights out.
Friday: The whole city was dead. Big letdown.
Saturday:Went to Sakana with mate EL. He’s really good with women and is a great wingman. We got talking to loads of girls, as Sakana is a key place for this. I’ve never pulled there but there’s plenty of opportunity. EL reminded me to smile when approaching. A serious face looks intimidating. It’s hard, though, when you’re shitting yourself. I went over to a girl who looked Latina- big tits and arse, lovely curly dark hair. Gorgeous. She was called R, from Failsworth. She was surprised that I approached her as apparently a lot of guys don’t. I admitted I’d been meaning to for a while. I thought the conversation was going well, but when I asked for her number she wouldn’t. I asked if I was too young, even though we were about the same age. She said yeah. Well, I tried.
It really took the wind out of my sails, though, and I just couldn’t get the motivation to talk to anyone else. I had the curse of oneitis. I felt really down about it, and EL was really surprised by this. He had to get up for work anyway, but I just wanted to go. He had work the next day anyway. I walked out and some girl tried to blag me into coming to Revolucion de Cuba with her. I told her I wanted to as she had great tits (she was fine with this comment, thankfully) but I fucking hate Rev de Cuba. She said she was only staying for one so we swapped numbers, but we didn’t meet up. She wasn’t special to look at.
So that’s the weekend. Lots of being blown out. Sertraline helped, but it’s not a magic pill and I tested it hard the last couple of days. I’ve got a few other plans, so hopefully I’ll have better success.
Either respond to my texts and talk to me, or tell me you don’t want to. Whatever. But don’t just give up, FFS. Hard work.
Been out this weekend to Black Dog Ballroom, which has it’s fair share of fit birds but is a bit of a shithole if you ask me. I just don’t like it there. My mate RS was getting impatient with me hesitating with women, even though he never approaches anyone himself. I talked to a few girls but got no-where. I keep planning ideas of things to say, openers, fun things to bring up… and then I forget them all and freeze.
I forgot to mention- my GP recommended double-dropping sertraline if I feel like I need a boost. I wish I had last night, as it wasn’t enough. I think I’ll do that every time I have a night out. I’m out next Friday so let’s see how that goes.
Found a support group that may be helpful, although I can’t tell you what it is. Much better than the one I was at last year. Much more local, less judgemental, and no religious shit. Just men battling depression. Not sure I’m ready to tell them I’m a rabid porn addict just yet.
I have something planned for the Friday, so we’ll see how that goes.