Nothing amazing

What is more dull than a discreet diary? One might as well have a discreet soul.

-Henry Shannon, British Conservative politician and diarist

Haven’t seen KBP this week as she’s been working a lot. Tried phoning her, she was busy. Texting a little, so still in touch.

Went out to the celeb haunt on Thursday, even though I’m sick of the place. There are a few girls in there who I really like, but I don’t seem to be able to get anywhere with them. dded to this, my arse was still emitting pungeant fumes, meaning the scheriproct I took didn’t work. I left eventually, and after I did girl mate SF got invited onto the girls’ in question’s table. For fuck’s sake.

I need to start trusting myself more- even though I should have gone and talked to the girls, I just felt weird about it because I feel out of place in that club. I always have. But other places, I feel fine in. So I have been to Spinningfields a little bit, a nicer bar area with gorgeous girls, and the Northern Quarter, the hipsterish area. Did not pull.

Double dropping Sertraline is only helping so much. A general clumsiness and shyness is keeping me back. I am 35.

Struggling with mental health as per,

 

Trying to talk to women but it comes out quite abrupt and maybe a little intimidating. Need to sound more normal and natural. Female friend SF picked up on this. She’s a good mate but any criticism anyone could give me I’ve heard before. Still, walking up to a girl and saying ‘You go to Socialite’ is a bit, woah.

This was while we were in the celeb haunt. (I recognised no-one famous.) Male friend AA came to check the place out. He described being in there, and looking around, as like watching David Attenborough narrating a wildlife documentary, looking at the males stalking the females, observing the courtship rituals.

Like he was a different species. Which is how I feel in there. I don’t feel like it’s my scene, and never have. I think it’s the first time I’ve been on a Saturday since before I started on Sertraline. I’ve had good nights the celeb haunt, but I fit in more around Spinningfields and maybe a few places in the Northern Quarter.

I felt quite awkward and inferior, despite having double dropped antidepressants, and having been on them almost a year. It’s maybe time to stop going to the celebrity places sticking instead with places where the music is more to my taste. Which will annoy SF somewhat, as she loves these places. What made it worse is I queued up for about an hour to get in, and the entry fee was double it was last time I went on a Saturday (about year ago). As per, there was a steady stream of people being booted out for fighting. They’re really just moneyed scallies that populate these places- the people are no different to the clientele of Brannigans 15 years ago. They just dress better.

Update on last week- KBP is in Las Vegas. Hopefully she’ll meet me when she’s back next week.

AAAAAAAAGES ago, some time around Christmas…

 

I pulled some girl in Albert’s Schloss called KBP. I can’t find a blog post mentioning her, so no idea if I’ve told you about her. At the time she told me she wasn’t up for meeting, but I asked her to check out my eponymous blog, where she noticed that I liked house music. She makes house music herself, and sent me a link to her Soundcloud, and we kept chatting intermittently though text and Instagram. So, 10 months later, I finally convince her to let me take her out for a coffee. Jesus Christ. I cannot give my money and time away.

We eventually went for a date in the new Kettle Bell Kitchen over at 1st Street Manchester, this weekend. We caught up on our lives and got to know each other. No kiss, but nice conversation. Maybe too nice. I dunno. We’re still talking, just about.

Away from dating, I’d set up an event to visit a swanky club in Manchester, but nobody was up for it. I was quite disappointed in everyone. I will try again. I can’t help thinking that if female friend and co-organiser SF puts it up, there’ll be more interest. It’s worth trying.

There’s a possible 3 thing happening next week so hopefully it’ll be more exciting.

Well, it was a more exciting week, to a degree.

 

I’ve got over flu, been to work and gone out this weekend last night.

I met girl mate SF in a bar, when some random guy phones me with a heavy manc accent asking about a girl I pulled in a club a few weeks ago- I forgot to blog about this.

I got talking to a young girl with HUGE tits called KG, who was only 16 and must have got in with a fake ID. She was gorgeous, as bad as this sounds. A few minutes after pulling her she disappeared. I texted her towards the end of the night asking if she was still in. I got no response so headed home, but on the way to my car she phoned me asking who I was. She’d completely forgotten about me.

The next day I offered my Instagram handle so she could see if she recognised me. She didn’t. It was going nowhere.

So anyway, the phone rang last night- a withheld number- I answer, and this guy is saying that KG, who I pulled, has got facial herpes and she might have given it to me. And she’s 14. I started to smell bullshit. But I also started to think, what if? I hung up on him.

KG texted me a few minutes later saying ‘that was my mate she was only bantering’- it turns out it was a girl. With a deep voice. I asked her if she got in with a fake ID. She did, and told me ‘don’t grass.’ (The club ID’s everyone, meaning the system doesn’t work for shit. If underagers can get in, blacklisted criminals or whoever else can too.) I asked her again how old she was. 16. Not admirable to be pulling someone that young when you’re mid 30s, but not illegal either.

Pulled some girl called A, blonde and pretty decent looking, not amazing, but young. About 19. I approached her. I’ve texted her tonight but I’ve not heard back. What next, I wonder…

Well, that lasted just over a week.

 

Today I crashed and burned and watched porn. Addiction is real.

I remember psychosexual therapist CK asking me to think of my feelings before I use porn. What’s driving me to use it? Loneliness? Boredom? Lust? It’s probably all of them, but going out and not getting anywhere with women that I really like is a part of it. In fact, it’s the main reason.

I talked to a few girls this week, who were all steadfastly disinterested. One of them had a boyfriend. It turned out I used to work with her dad, to her horror.

More nights out planned for next weekend. I’ll try again.

Holding strong

 

A week in and no porn. Sertraline is certainly helping, but even when I double drop I’m still terrified of talking to women. I’m fucking sick of going to Guilty, to be honest, but a lot of my mates go there a frequently. I may put my foot down on it. The only reason I didn’t just not go to that bar was that I was staying out later anyway to watch Mayweather vs McGregor.

Girl mate SF is usually available to come on nights out but If something is planned everyone else in my life will probably flake out. I am so tired of having let-down mates. Added to this, SF is constantly shagging one guy or another. It’s depressing listening to how easy it is for her.

Oh, and of course, Jemma Lucy kissing Sarah Harding in Celebrity Big Brother was somewhat of a highlight. When the Celebrity Big Brother line-up was revealed, I immediately hoped that this would happen.

A missed connection

 

I mentioned 2 weeks ago that I fancy someone. This is a rarity for me, to single someone out rather than checking out hundreds of women (and subsequently being ignored by them all). I’ve found her on Twitter. We’ll call her HW. She got me guestlist at a club she works at this weekend just gone, but half my mates couldn’t get in as they were disorganised ARSEHOLES and once again didn’t bring ID. I’m going to try again next week. But I should keep a little twitter DM convo going as well.

I have loads to do but I’m not doing it for some reason (depression and porn). I will try again next week.