Well, that lasted just over a week.

 

Today I crashed and burned and watched porn. Addiction is real.

I remember psychosexual therapist CK asking me to think of my feelings before I use porn. What’s driving me to use it? Loneliness? Boredom? Lust? It’s probably all of them, but going out and not getting anywhere with women that I really like is a part of it. In fact, it’s the main reason.

I talked to a few girls this week, who were all steadfastly disinterested. One of them had a boyfriend. It turned out I used to work with her dad, to her horror.

More nights out planned for next weekend. I’ll try again.

Holding strong

 

A week in and no porn. Sertraline is certainly helping, but even when I double drop I’m still terrified of talking to women. I’m fucking sick of going to Guilty, to be honest, but a lot of my mates go there a frequently. I may put my foot down on it. The only reason I didn’t just not go to that bar was that I was staying out later anyway to watch Mayweather vs McGregor.

Girl mate SF is usually available to come on nights out but If something is planned everyone else in my life will probably flake out. I am so tired of having let-down mates. Added to this, SF is constantly shagging one guy or another. It’s depressing listening to how easy it is for her.

Oh, and of course, Jemma Lucy kissing Sarah Harding in Celebrity Big Brother was somewhat of a highlight. When the Celebrity Big Brother line-up was revealed, I immediately hoped that this would happen.

Still haven’t caught up with HW- confused

 

HW is a promoter at a couple of swanky venues in town, or at least one. There’s a new place just opened, and she’s saying on her Twitter that she’s a promoter from that one too. So I arranged with a few mates to go to The New Place and specifically asked her over Twitter for guestlist. I went to the new place last Saturday.

Only a small handful RSVP’d, then 2 cried off. Me and NK, a short, enthusiastic but socially clumsy Asian, headed out to The New Place. Everyone was on the guestlist, so the queue was horrendous. Nobody on the door had a clue who HW was, although they said a few people had said she had put them on the guestlist. It was £20 on guestlist or not anyway, so we just paid and went in. It just about filled up, but the girls were stuck up and hard work. Oh well. It would have been better if more people had come. I will try again to get people to come and enjoy themselves, for fuck’s sake.

I think I might fancy someone.

 

She works at the celeb haunt club that I dive into every now and then. One of the promotion managers works with a gorgeous blonde with a great body, about 21. I met her in the bar over the road from said club, and have spotted her in a couple of other places. She told me her name, but typically I can’t remember. I got a kiss on the cheek last time I saw her, so she’s not stone cold.

My initial feelings whenever I meet someone is that she’s probably not interested, so I don’t bother finding out in case I get humiliated. Then I end up humiliating myself through lack of action. I’m going to go in for the kill and ask for her number, or maybe Facebook, or Twitter. Make it a little different. But I’m going to try specifically with her. Could do with finding out what her name is.

I put an event up for Friday, a night out to the celeb haunt, but I only got 1 RSVP and he looked like a weirdo. He backed out at the last minute. AA said he might come, then he changed his mind too. Shit. It’s easier to get people to come out midweek than it is to get them out at the weekend.

Added to this complication, my arse is still utterly pungent. No matter how much I swap food around and try different things, I can’t stop farting. It’s this that makes me nervous about talking to women, not so much learning difficulties or the like. I may need to go to my doctor about this too. I’m getting tired of embarrassing conversations with GPs and other people, but I guess they must continue.

More People Latch On to SM Being Gay

 

I’ve mentioned a few times about a closet homosexual called SM, who’s part of a social group I attend. He knows to avoid me now. I’ve talked to a few people in the group and sometimes they seem bemused that I’d suggest he’s gay. Well, last night I got some proof.

I went out for female friend KS’ birthday. She wanted to go to some indie shithole, so me and male friend AA wandered the streets waiting for UFC to start (neither of us realised it wasn’t on for another 7 fucking days). We were talking about SM, and I told of how he’d put his hand on my leg when we’d been in the member’s bar, and how female friend RD, who’s quite close to SM, seemed bemused that I’d suggest he’s gay.

AA told me SM had given him a lift into town, and that when they’d been parked up at the lights SM had ran his hand delicately up AA’s arm. AA had to tell him to stop. And told him to get out.

So. It’s confirmed. Why SM isn’t more honest with people I don’t know, but he’s a creep either way. And how more people don’t notice I also don’t know.

Oh- AND- RA, the girl I fucked three weeks ago, finally got back in touch this week. She’s been ‘busy.’ She came out with the social group again on Friday, already drunk, and babbled incoherently at me. The gist I got was that she enjoyed our night together but she was regretful because she didn’t want to have one-night stands. Well, if you’d have responded to my text, I said, and met up with me again, it wouldn’t have been a one-night stand, would it? More incoherent babbling, then she went home.

The upside to Friday: I got out early and hung around at the meeting point bar. There was a hen do there, and one of the girls had huge tits, so I got talking to them. They grilled me about my job, etc. and they were keen to set me up with this girl. She had dark hair in a pony tail, a good arse in tight jeans, and good full boobs. We kissed but she was from miles away, so it went nowhere. But at least I made the move to talk to them.

RA sacked me off.

 

The moment I left her flat she ceased all contact. I’m still in her Facebook friends, although she doesn’t seem to have updated it and won’t respond to my message.

I went back to the celeb club Thursday just gone but there were so many people already coupled up. I found it impossible to pick anyone out to begin with. Talked to a few people here and there, but got nowhere. I was hoping I’d be on a roll. Typically, no.

I’m out Friday Saturday and Monday, so we’ll see what happens later on.

Yeah, so, still talking to this Rev de Cuba girl.

We’ll call her J. She’s actually pretty fit- got her on Whatsapp- and working on meeting up with her. She’s keen.

Still double dropping Sertraline on nights out, but not getting far. Ordered a load, forgot I’d ordered, reordered then picked them up along with a load of hayfever stuff. Would have cost a fortune if I wasn’t exempt from paying due to PIP and WTC.

They’ll all get used though. I see no light at the end of the tunnel with depression, and it’s early summer so the pollen count will only get higher.

More nights out in the pipeline.