…surrounded by girls in bikinis, with only one of the said girls as a wingwoman, someone who may be flirting with me, but I’m too dumb to notice. Stress levels: through the roof. So many fit girls who can just smell the special needs on me, the disappointment, the clumsiness. Went to an afterparty in a gay bar. Tried it on with a fit Indian / Arab girl who immediately ranted at me that she’s ‘not the kind of girl you want to approach’ and that her family owns land, and that the bar was not her kind of place. So. Worst put-down I’ve had in a while, but whatever. I’m attracted to girls of all ethnicities but I only ever get anywhere with white girls.
Well, okay, there was RA, who was Kuwaiti. I nailed her a few months back. But she was the last one.
Forgot to bring Sertraline to the party, but survived without it. Got back very late, screwed up my body clock and haven’t recovered. Felt crappy ever since. Interesting night though.
I got in touch with my bank about my card being declined- there’s some money, not much, but enough in my current account, so the bank said that was the bar’s problem. I phoned Amazon and they admitted that Amazon Prime has been taking money from a lot of customers who only bought item from their regular site, so I got a refund on that. The bar that I wasn’t in, which appeared on my statement as if I’d made a payment to them, is next door to a bar that I WAS in, and I bought a cocktail there so it’s likely they’re trading under the other bar’s name.
So, panic over on that front, but I still need to manage my finances better now that I’m poorer. I typically missed the last bus on Friday and paid £20 for a taxi, but spent virtually nothing drinking tap water on Saturday. THAT is the way forward.
Got talking to a girl in The Member’s Bar that night, but she had horrendous breath, so I backed out of that situation. Nothing much else to report.
Couldn’t pay in a bar because this on Saturday night. Next I go to a cash machine and see I have less than hundred in it. I have spent quite a bit this month, but it was still a bit of a shock. I go online to move some from my savings, and find someone’s signed me up to Amazon Prime and spent something in a bar that I wasn’t in. I’ve cancelled the Prime and emailed my bank, but I’ll be phoning tomorrow morning. What the fuck. I’ve just got an email saying Prime has been cancelled and I’ll be refunded.
Added to this, every woman I spoke to ignored me this weekend. I’m convinced that the more RnB is played in clubs (a music genre I quite like, for the record), the less women have any interest in white guys. I certainly used to pull more before clubs went full-on RnB.
Also, in tune with my money woes, and the cause of this problem- ATOS, have been barred from performing benefits assessments in Scotland, reports The Independent. Hopefully their treatment of disabled people in England will be properly investigated, and they’ll be barred here too.
In the meantime, I will need to save money- tap water in bars and clubs, and Asda over Tesco will be a start.
Today I crashed and burned and watched porn. Addiction is real.
I remember psychosexual therapist CK asking me to think of my feelings before I use porn. What’s driving me to use it? Loneliness? Boredom? Lust? It’s probably all of them, but going out and not getting anywhere with women that I really like is a part of it. In fact, it’s the main reason.
I talked to a few girls this week, who were all steadfastly disinterested. One of them had a boyfriend. It turned out I used to work with her dad, to her horror.
More nights out planned for next weekend. I’ll try again.
A week in and no porn. Sertraline is certainly helping, but even when I double drop I’m still terrified of talking to women. I’m fucking sick of going to Guilty, to be honest, but a lot of my mates go there a frequently. I may put my foot down on it. The only reason I didn’t just not go to that bar was that I was staying out later anyway to watch Mayweather vs McGregor.
Girl mate SF is usually available to come on nights out but If something is planned everyone else in my life will probably flake out. I am so tired of having let-down mates. Added to this, SF is constantly shagging one guy or another. It’s depressing listening to how easy it is for her.
Oh, and of course, Jemma Lucy kissing Sarah Harding in Celebrity Big Brother was somewhat of a highlight. When the Celebrity Big Brother line-up was revealed, I immediately hoped that this would happen.
I’ve made no secret (on this blog, at least) of my addiction to net porn. I fight, and fight, and fail. My fear of women exacerbates this, but it’s a fear that has never been smaller. I’m almost there.
I’ve heard stories of people who quit the porn and subsequently notice women paying them attention. They would have been paying attention before, but the man’s brain is wired up to be aroused by the computer, not women in the flesh in their real lives. Once porn is out of the equation, they notice women, and women notice them, and they think, why didn’t I do this earlier?!
I’ve tried to quit time and time again, but I always went back to it because I hated my life. My life is pretty good right now. I might be able to quit. We’ll see. I’ve used it today. That was the last time. Here I go.
HW is a promoter at a couple of swanky venues in town, or at least one. There’s a new place just opened, and she’s saying on her Twitter that she’s a promoter from that one too. So I arranged with a few mates to go to The New Place and specifically asked her over Twitter for guestlist. I went to the new place last Saturday.
Only a small handful RSVP’d, then 2 cried off. Me and NK, a short, enthusiastic but socially clumsy Asian, headed out to The New Place. Everyone was on the guestlist, so the queue was horrendous. Nobody on the door had a clue who HW was, although they said a few people had said she had put them on the guestlist. It was £20 on guestlist or not anyway, so we just paid and went in. It just about filled up, but the girls were stuck up and hard work. Oh well. It would have been better if more people had come. I will try again to get people to come and enjoy themselves, for fuck’s sake.