No real progress, tbh

Rewrote my CV with the careers advisor. It looks a lot better now, but that doesn’t negate the lack of decent jobs and my lack of actual skills.

Struggling to pick up a new system in work. Tired of putting all my efforts into learning a computer package only to have it taken off me and replaced with something else, meaning I have to learn it all again. Friends are too busy. No word from DWP or Citizens Advice.

Went on the prowl last night, on my own as everyone is eith er away, busy with kids or broke. This is all I found.

What. Am I going. To do.

Horrendous problems with the DWP, being told all sorts of different things by different advisors. Perhaps dropping my sertraline to once every 2 days wasn’t a good idea. I dunno. Not really felt like going out, but when I did, nobody else wanted to either. I have a social group with over a thousand people in it, and not one of them would come out with me. Either the site attracts total flakes, or I have CUNT written on my head, or both. I dunno.

Snapped at my parents tonight, which I really shouldn’t have done, but Dad was confusing sales with marketing, and claiming that there was no difference. Having worked my arse off at both (and largely failed in both) I found it really offensive. We’d got onto this subject as I’d sent my dad my last few bank statements, and I’m running out of cash at a horrendous rate. I need more work, and I want to get out of the public sector. There’s nothing there for me. I told him I was considering marketing and PR. Hence the argument.

Seeing an employment advisor tomorrow. Not thought through what I want to ask.

Been out to a few of SL’s events…

Arrived solo to all of these as noone has any money and I didn’t really ask around. Met lots of people and bumped into a few familiar faces. Enjoyed the events but haven’t been rewarded for putting in the graft, if you get me. Made lots of approaches, didn’t get much interest.

Turns out KBP, who I went on a few dates with, knows model EB who I met at a party a while back. KBP is also friends with LC, it seems, who kicked off with me years ago because I didn’t fancy her. LC turned up at this event today. I managed to avoid her. I was surprised how so many people that I knew, knew each other. I’ve seen people appearing in each other’s Insta stories, and thought, wow, I didn’t know they knew them.

Bumped into The Daughter, who I tried it on with a while back, and who palmed me off to her mum. Got no further really. She was talking to her female friends about the male models that were hired to give out food and drinks, obviously trying to push me out of the convo (or how I imagine it).

I also saw MF, a woman who attends SL’s events and who fancies me. I’m typically not into her, though. She’s good to hang around with, but it ain’t happening.

It’s SL that I want. I want the boss. She’s stunning, successful, intelligent and popular. I’ve probably left it too late, but we’ll see. I’ve not got the balls to flat out ask her out.

I’ve texted The Daughter tonight and got no response.

Well- I’ve been out all bank holiday weekend trying to make approaches.

 I made a few, but not one woman was interested. Tried taking a few creep shots but it’s hard work focusing a camera with your flash off and getting close enough for any pictures to come out.

So little has happened that I can report on- trying to get back into psychotherapy but organising a time for the telephone interview has been a pain. I’m taking sertraline once every 2 days but I can’t say the reduction has caused any particular difference. Still terrified of talking to hot women.

Also I forgot to get hayfever stuff so I should be feeling some pretty horrendous effects over the next few days. I’m not too bad as it stands. The three things I need will now cost me a fortune as I’m no longer eligible for treatment, due to changes in benefits. (Not changes in my condition, just how ATOS and the Tory government see fit. FUCK THEM.)

I’ve got a few things planned for next week that are different to general nights out. We’ll see how they go.

A few things have occurred:

 

I’ve been to an event – on my own- in town where I threw myself in and approached a few people, including a fit young girl who thought I’d be better suited to her single mum at home. So, of course, I ended up texting this mum. I’ve been texting her a while, but I can’t help thinking that it’s not her I want- it’s her daughter. She, however, couldn’t handle my little personality traits that I genuinely can’t help but explain. (I can’t to you, though, or you MAY figure out who I am.

Great event though. I just wish I could get more people to come with me. Running an online social group doesn’t quite give me that opportunity, believe it or not.

Next up: I went to my GP and explained that sertraline is making me feel nothing, and isn’t actually helping me move forward. He suggested I stick at it but reduce my dose by taking it once every 2 days. So a batch should see me through for a few months.

I’ve been ill too, which has thoroughly knocked me on my arse. I’ve spent a few days sleeping, eating junk and watching the Commonwealth Games. What a fucking result, though.

Everything is a bit shit really

Not much to update on, other than I met up with S from new year and a few other mates from that night. Flirting is hard work. I’m getting nowhere with her. KPB has a new boyfriend. Been on a few nights out here and there but got nowhere with anyone. Loads of people have been away over Easter.

I’ve booked another doctor’s appointment to see if sertraline is doing more harm than good but it isn’t for a couple of weeks.

A difficult, unsuccessful week

Well, I haven’t asked out SL, I’ve been out loads all weekend and met no interesting women, I’ve been surrounded by hot Indian women who won’t look at white guys and all the white girls have been tied up with black guys. I’m not making this up. The rest of the women I’ve seen in bars have been a bit nondescript, so there’s been very little of interest.

Girl mate SF still feels like I’m pushing her away because I want to change where we go on nights out- the RnB clubs bore me now and I just want something different. Even places that were staple house music venues like Impossible and Sakana (Okay, they wanna be called 23 Peter St now) are playing more RnB.

Added to this it appears that Sertraline is killing off my sex drive- I can’t even be arsed watching porn any more. And I don’t seem to be approaching anyone, and this is partly anxiety, something that’s supposed to be negated by sertraline, but it’s also that the urge isn’t really there. But if it’s killing my sex drive, it undermines the point of taking them in the first place, which is to help me overcome problems with women, which is why I have low mood. I’ve been taking them over a year now and it’s obvious that they aren’t working. Christ, a few months ago I had KBP in my bed and I didn’t even feel like fucking her.

I’ve gone on the waitlist for psychotherapy AGAIN, after girl mate AMN recommended it. Getting this advice while on antidepressants could be interesting. Feeling a bit shit overall.