Sexy Saturday: What is a gooner?

I’ve mentioned a few times on here my habits with porn. It seems like an endless loop of addiction, but then even a psychosexual therapist told me I’m a single man with a sex drive and no partner, so of course I’m going to use porn.

I dunno. I think I’m addicted. As of today, probably more so as I’ve discovered ‘gooner’ videos. What is a gooner? Someone who worships porn, and are only sexual towards porn, not real women.

With gooner videos, the porn industry have given up all pretense of being ‘a bit of harmless fun. They acknowledge their content is addictive and thrive off it.

As you could imagine, I’ve watched a few. These are the first videos to fully acknowledge that people on the sites will be addicts, and that the site itself caused that addiction. The narrative of the videos is that we are helpless to our addiction, and should remain addicted. Screen texts tell us we can’t escape. A female voiceover explains this is our ‘natural state’ and that we are helpless, and suchlike. It’s a very sinister angle to take, and definitely makes me uncomfortable. So much so that I’ve watched a few of these videos.

The edits are fast and eclectic, the content predictably hard-edge. The comments under the video are largely from self-confessed ‘porno-sexuals’- guys who are only sexual with porn, and proud of it. They might be porn execs pretentding to be ‘one of us’ to make us think it’s normal.

What a fucking world.

Captions read, ‘pump yourself stupid,’ and ‘wreck your brain,’ while techno music pumps over the scene. The message of your inability to avoid porn is reinforced.

Don’t doubt for a second that the porn industry is populated with high-level psychologists, who understand how the brain works. In particular, they understand that the visual images give us a hit of neurotransmitter dopamine, and addictive feelgood drug. We need more of this dopamine every time we watch porn, which is why we seem to like more hard, explicit material as we get older. Face it- the Grattons catalogue lingerie section is only going to satisfy you for so long before you move onto more explicit material.

Porn bosses know that if we all go out and get girlfriends, there’s every chance we’ll give up the porn. Keeping us locked in is their job. So gooner videos are the next level to doing so. They’re so confident in the technique they’re prepared to mock us with titles like ‘you just dropped in IQ points.’ (They might be right, say the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin, Germany. )

These videos are particularly dangerous when you take into account the lockdown and COVID-19 restrictions. The porn bosses know people all over the world are in various states of lockdown. What do people do at home when they’re not out meeting people? It’s no surprise that a lot of these videos emerged particularly this year.

Fuck it, I’m already an addict. Here are some of the best videos that you definitely shouldn’t watch. Sadly I cannot embed. Not on any moral or legal grounds, I just have no idea how.

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5ede6c1485c89

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5e0eac75d3c3c

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5e957d6f72146

How the NHS can cut porn addiction wait lists

 

In recent years I have twice been on 7-month-long waiting lists to see NHS professionals- this first a psychotherapist, the second a psychosexual therapist. These have both been in relation to porn addiction.

The problem I have is part of an international epidemic. Any country like the UK , where broadband internet is available, is facing the issue of men becoming addicted to porn on a massive scale. Swathes of these men are going to their GP like I did asking for the same help.

When I was in therapy, the advice I eventually got was very helpful. I was advised to find alternate pleasures, to spend more time enjoying other hobbies, to make an effort to go out and form new friendship circles and in particular with women. I was encouraged to trust my instincts and feelings, to not get myself into situations in which I wasn’t comfortable, to be confident enough to say ‘no’ to people, and most importantly to arouse myself with thoughts of things I had seen in real life- people I had seen or met in bars and clubs, as opposed to watching porn.

All of these techniques and chunks of advice must be helpful to the countless other men addicted to internet porn. The therapists I saw must have been going over these techniques repeatedly, yet a lot of this information I haven’t found online anywhere. There also isn’t anyone to go to other than a doctor, who will then put you on a wait list. I’ve got a better idea.

Let’s say you go to your doctor and explain you believe you’re addicted to internet porn. He then asks a few questions to check the severity of the problem. He would then refer you to attend a seminar, titled something discreet like ‘BPA Men’s Health’ (BPA would stand for Beating Porn Addiction, not that anyone outside the seminar would know).

In this session, you’d be given a letter-headed form and advised to take notes, and listen to the above advice, and think about how it affects you and what changes you can make. After this there’d be a question and answer session for those brave (or exhibitionist) enough to speak up. (As the seminar would be so loud we’d need an assistant with a roaming microphone.)

Concluding the seminar would be a suggestion to get involved with an anonymous website forum, similar to Paula Hall’s, which would allow people to share advice and success stories and ask questions.

Once the seminar is complete, the attendee then takes his letter-headed form home and works on this advice for a month. After a month’s period, if he feels he still needs to, he then takes this form to his GP and shows that he has in fact attended the seminar and taken the advice on board. He asks for a referral to psychosexual therapy as he would today, and then when his time with the therapist comes around he’s already streets ahead of where he would be with today’s model, and with a basic knowledge of addiction and the best ways to fight it. The patient and therapist would then focus on the specifics of the problems of addiction and how it affects him.

Surely this model would work not only for porn addicts but for people fighting other addictions too. There may also be other conditions that affect many people- nicotine addiction from smoking, perhaps- in which the same advice could be given to a whole crowd of people at once, this streamlining the support being given.

Is this something the NHS could realistically implement? I may ask around…

Interesting video about addiction

Dr Gabor Mate discusses his work with addicts, and how compassion is key to treatment. I watched this a month ago. The line that has stuck with me is that addiction, as Dr Mate suggests, is always an attempt to escape pain.

I relate to this because my pain is self-inflicted; it comes from self-loathing. I have had certain learning difficulties for most of my life, and although most people I meet don’t notice these difficulties- my systems work so well that I don’t really slip up- I still consider them to be hugely obvious and damaging to any potential friendship / relationship.

I told female friend AMN a few weeks ago, I think that when women notice that there’s something wrong with me, they are going to think, “He’s special needs. I’m not dealing with him.” She was surprised that I would ever think that. Bemused as to why I would ever think that, in fact. It’s seemingly not a big deal to anyone but me. But my condition gets worse, and my ability to string a conversation together falls apart, when I like someone. And THAT is what people notice, and I’m really embarrassed about it.

This weekend I tried to talk to women, other than my existing friends, but I struggled. I still only talked to one, who it turned out lived a few streets down from me despite meeting her in a bar 11 miles from my home. She was a stunner though. I didn’t recognise her at all.

I beat myself up mentally a lot.

In other news, I got a refund on my club ticket but I’ve told the group I’m not getting one for the night they want to go to. Proud of myself for making that decision to be honest. Saved me forty quid. Might go spend it in Long Legs again.

Failing

 

Failing with the reading challenge, failing to not watch porn, failing to do anything with women beyond get pictures taken with them… Generally failing all over. But it’s Monday, and it’s a new week. I shall try again. The students are back- Fresher’s week has just ended- so there may be a few more nights out available to hone my approaching skills.

Reading to Fight Porn Addiction

 

I have ambitions. I always wanted to do certain things, things that I can’t go into detail about. In order to do these things, I laid out a load of plans, each one taking maybe a month each. Suffice to say, my career has not taken off and I’m still in the public sector (although for how long, no-one knows given impending job cuts).

Something has got in the way of these plans. It’s porn. It’s still fucking up my life. Part of what drew me into it was loneliness. Part was lust. Part was boredom. I hate to admit it, but I’m bored a lot, and porn fills that gap. I long for the pressure that university put me under (albeit rarely). I miss the college days before it, where I was too busy to do almost anything other than coursework. The constant pressure of deadlines and racing to keep up with everyone else left little time for the dodgy pirate VHS tapes that were doing the rounds.

I’ve been reading a really big book over the last few months (6 months, I now realise. Shit). I’ve been reading much less since the weather started to improve- we had flash floods over New Year, then more snow right through to April. Then my social life returned, and I’ve been out loads and not reading. I’m now coming to the closing pages of this book, and I’ll admit I have no fucking idea what’s going on in it. But anyway, I’ll try and focus on this and read it in bed, meaning I’m away from my phone and the computer, away from porn, and in a place where I can use my imagination for masturbation (this won’t have any relevance to the book, but just saying).

I’m coming to the closing pages of the book so I should be able to finish it by this time next week.

Girl on Girl Action in Long Legs

I’d been meaning to go for a lap dance since I was in psychosexual therapy some months ago. I haven’t done, as I felt compelled to describe whatever had happened with women to therapist CK. The sessions ended in mid July, so I’ve been putting off doing this for a while.

Long Legs is possibly the only club in Manchester in which I’ve not had a girl-on-girl lap dance. It was closed Bank Holiday Sunday, so I went out purposefully around midnight on Friday night.

I’ve been trying to lose weight over the last month as some of my suit trousers stopped fitting me. It’s pretty scary gaining weight and realising it’s not muscle. I really had to cut out all the nice things from my diet and pump my body full of veg, while hammering the gym. It’s been tough, but I can now fit back into my smart clothes. As a reward, I thought I’d go get some tits in my face.

I rolled in and got a pineapple juice and got talking to a hot blonde with big boobs. She told me I smelled nice. (I was wearing Pole Position, something I picked up in The Fragrance Shop for a fiver ages ago.) I mentioned I’d been in years ago, back in ’09, with a girl who it turned out was stalking me. It looks a lot better now after a refurb at one point. I’d only had a couple of dances off one or two girls on their own. Possibly because I thought my stalker would judge me if I got a two-girl dance (she probably would have done).

Nobody judges you when you’re on your own, though, so I asked if I was allowed a 2-girl dance. She said she could do a “naughty forty” if I wanted, or I could go into VIP for half an hour.

“How much is that?” I asked. “About two hundred?”

“Two fifty.”

“I’ve NOT got that much. A naughty forty sounds good though.”

I pointed out another girl I liked, but she was just about to give a dance to a guy. The second girl said she’d be back, but instead of waiting I spotted another gorgeous blonde, so we found a couch and the 2 girls danced for me. They touched each other’s boobs and slapped each other’s arses, and there was plenty of grinding. They smothered me with all four natural, large breasts. No boob sucking. I didn’t ask if they’d kiss. I should have offered them an extra £20. I got pretty good value for £40 though.

I can feel myself going back there soon. Might wait ’til October though. Or at least til after next payday. One of the reasons I went was an attempt to stay away from porn. To get used to being stimulated by women in the flesh. I’m still addicted, but plenty of stimulation from women in the flesh will help me turn away from the computer and porn stimulation.

And on the issue of women in the flesh, I have another blog post to put up soon.

I may actually stick with this group.

 

I said I might quit the sex addiction group as I’m tired of the religious shit that comes with it. After going to the meeting I actually felt better. The group are really supportive, they are happy to receive outreach- me phoning them for advice- and a few of them have rang me. I keep meaning to ring around to tell them about the forums on the Paula Hall site. in shares in the group I’ve mentioned it as part of my experience- people might check it out.

I have actually started outreach, and have talked to one person over the phone from making calls myself. I’ll try to do this more as I have advice to give, as well as to ask.

 

 

More problems with sex addicts groups

Went down to London as mentioned. It’s hot down there, and the capital is populated by large breasted women not wearing a great deal. I tried to get a few creep shots but it’s hard not to get busted when you’re out with your mates. The few I took didn’t come out anyway. Got nowhere with any women I tried to speak to. Enjoyed the weekend though, and intend to get back down there soon.

I also- prior to this- went to a different sex addicts group. Similar religious slant, some of the same people, a lot of number swapping for support. (I need to start phoning people, for ‘outreach’, although I’m not sure who could really help me. One or two people have already rang me.)

Still finding it a bit depressing that religion is a part of this group too, and that people here also just want to express themselves without asking for / giving advice. Was going to go to one of these different groups tonight, but wasn’t feeling it. Will still give it another shot, but doubt I’ll be a long-time member. Might see how easy / hard it is to set up my own porn addiction support group, with no religion, opportunities to give advice, and just for men only.

I won’t have any of this: “There will now be a moment’s silence to remember those that have died from this disease.” Here’s what’s wrong with this: an addiction is not a disease. It’s a compulsion. Also, nobody has died from sex addiction. They may have killed themselves, but it wasn’t specifically the sex addiction that did it- it’s their attitude to the problem that led them to suicide. It may have been an STI that killed them, like HIV, but you can get that from one person when you have no addiction. Also you could be massively addicted but bag up every time. And finally, what does going silent do? How does it help us?

They lay the Catholic guilt on thick in these meetings. I don’t need that. In fact, none of us do. Dwelling on our shortcomings will only bring us down, and that depression will only cause us to act out again.

Learning as I go along.

 

Managed to get to the sex addicts group again.

 

I’m still not convinced it’s massively helpful, but it was worth going back again. People are welcoming, but massively damaged. I didn’t get flagged this time as I kept my speaking part short, basically telling them that they were my only support now that psychotherapy was over. I felt positive after the meeting, but I had a number of problems with it.

1. I can’t make any notes, which doesn’t suit me.

2. There’s a religious slant, which I resent when dealing with people who have a neurological compulsion like an addiction.

3. The steps include things like “admit our powerlessness over the addiction.” I resent this too. If we’re truly powerless we’ll never beat it. We may feel currently powerless- I know I do- but that’s what I’m trying to change, so FUCK reciting that I can’t control it.

4. The meetings are early on Saturday mornings, which wipes out Friday nights. I need those Friday nights to practice talking to women.

5. Cross talk is discouraged. You aren’t allowed to pass on advice to others. It’s just a time for us to talk, almost like a confession. Like we’ve sinned.

I’ll probably go again.

It’s been a quiet week due to daytime meetings, like the above aforementioned, so no nightlife stuff to discuss.

I’ve had my final meeting with CK.

 

I’m out of psychosexual therapy, and out on my own. But I’m not cured.

I had my last meeting this week. I discussed meeting V, the slightly dodgy girl I met on Deansgate a while back. CK put things into perspective for me.

“A drunk girl grabs you on the street, tells you you’re fit and you end up going to a house with her… and you’re disappointed that you can’t have a relationship with her. Do you realise how absurd that is Pat? Of course she’s not going to be right for you!”

I mentioned the sex addicts group that she’d suggested, and how I’d had some issues with it. CK had suspected there’d be a religious slant to it. She suggested I take what works from it, ditch the rest, but keep going. I’ve got the next one booked in.

She suggests I keep reading the Paula Hall info. Hall has books out on Amazon but they all seem to be partner-related and not really tailored to me. CK says, keep checking the forums on Hall’s site. STILL nobody seems to be talking on this.

I’ll be getting a call from Mindfulness now that my last session is complete.

Important lesson when approaching women: always remember that she might be a bitch, and possibly not with approaching. Always think that she might not be right for me anyway, so it doesn’t matter if she turns me down- there’s a good chance I might do that to her after approaching her anyway.

CK will write to my GP to update him. She’ll copy me in but she won’t be specific.

So that was the final meeting. I can go back if I want and the waitlist won’t be anywhere near as long as it was.

So. The weekend came and it was time to put these theories into practice. On Friday night I fell asleep and woke up at midnight, to the sound of my mate PM Facebooking me asking me if I was out. Gutted. But Saturday night I made it out to meet him and other mate NP, so we started in Oast House (very busy) and moved on to Artisan, with it’s incredible décor, women, view of Spinningfields and drinks. I’m turning into a bit of a fiend for the place. Anyway, PM brought his mate, an Indian girl with big boobs called SS. She was pretty fit, but she was keen to wingwoman me, although we did flirt. I saw a blonde with huge tits that I’d love to have approached, but I hesitated. She did not, and went over for me, which was as embarrassing as you’d imagine. Big Boobed Blonde wasn’t interested, though. SS was surprised and thought she was stuck up- I thought the situation was typical. This illustrates the problem that I have, which CK picked up on- it’s probably not to do with me if she’s giving me the brush-off- it’s her. Although if I don’t go to said girl myself, I’d expect nothing other than rejection.

She was sat right here

I’m talking online to SS at the mo. Will have to keep busy and stay social with more online events midweek. The weekends are too short!